Saturday, November 5, 2011

Dear Drive-Thru Kid,

Just because i come and order a 'chocolate cookie dough shake with extra cookie dough' and sound like a frantic obese person via drive thru speaker.....does NOT mean you should expect me to be feeding more than myself and hand me my ginormo shake with two spoons.

one spoon, buddy boy. uno.

look of shock when you realize that yes, its JUST me in the car ordering that huge thing? slightly offensive but classic.

Ever since i realized a Jake's Over the Top still existed and that it just so happened to be across the street from McKay-Dee......i've only been coming once a week for 3 months now every Thursday. You should know by now.
So what if my theighs rub together when i walk?
Cookie dough is my derek. I am meredith..and cookie dough is my derek. okay!?

One spoon next time, kid..or you get my fist,

Monday, October 10, 2011

Dear Vicious Snorer Neighbor

I'm legitely concerned for your health. Do you have a breathing problem? By the sounds of your large, furry mammal-like 'ggngnhhhh and gunnnuuuuh', your throat must look like raw meat. You also must be in the upper righthand corner of our building, if i am correct.  Its actually quite impressive that your snoring is carrying this far. Your poor, poor roommates!

Im going to try to go to sleep in the next few hours... so i'd appreciate it if you muffled your bearcalls with a pillow. THAT..or..get a breathing strip..a snoring ring..plug your nose... plug your mouth. Try something..because if you don't, imma bout to come up there and do something about it.

(and by the looks of your front porch, i'm gonna have to bring a bat to keep myself safe if i step inside your house. So, don't think i'm a burgalar...just an annoyed neighbor with a bat k.)

neighborly love,

Monday, July 11, 2011

Dear Everyone at My Highschool,

Is it necessary to marry eachother? Must we intertwine our genes together? Can you not fish in a more diverse pond? I don't understand. Did all the best potential spouses just so HAPPEN to go to the very same highschool? And if so, WHY DIDNT ANYONE INFORM ME UNTIL NOW? Is it that everyone goes searching elsewhere but just so happens to go flip through the old yearbook and find their future husband/wife?
I dont know.

it does bring me joy/kicks and giggles to see on facebook that the girl from english class is marrying that one kid who used to make out with his girlfriend in the 1100 hall... Or it makes me laugh that the one cheerleader ended up with the one she never even knew existed but had known her for years. OR how about the girl who stole that boy away from me who ended up marrying that kid down the street. or what about that nice girl marrying the funny boy who graduated 6 years earlier, whom she didnt even know existed?

Ahh.. where does life take us? Back to the north and south parking lots of highschool, thats where.

I may as well just go sit there with  my thumb out and see if any potential spouses will pick me up.

Thanks for the laughs- DHS class of 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09,

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Dear Lady GaGa,

Are you a male, or female?


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Dear Blaine Warbler,

You make me swoon.
(minus you look like one of my ex boyfriends whom i wish to forget..)
But nonetheless, SWOON.
You are my teenage dream.

It doesnt matter if youre gay on tv.....right? I hope youre not gay in real life...cuz I found out Jesse St. James is gay in real life and it sorta crushed me... But after I did a little youtube research..maybe you ARE gay in real life, because you became famous for covering disney songs, such as 'part of your world' and 'lets get down to business'.
Thats super embarrassing on your part. But I guess I can look past that because you are soooo frickin' adorable!

Ardently wishing your true sexuality is straight-as-a-board,

Monday, May 16, 2011

Dear Ghetto Smoker Girls,

My air vent  from downstairs that is leaking hotely/smokey/musty smell isn't fooling anyone.
You.......are.........sooo HUFFIN AND PUFFIN! and so caught.

So, the way i see it... you have two options:
1: Stop smoking and smelling up my house and live your life cancer-free
2: Wait till karma comes around and end up like the lady on tv with the hole in her throat..and be ready to sound like a robot the rest of your life
3: Get tattled on by ME.

I'm thinking option 3 is the best right now. Sorry that your unhealthy habits are forcing me to act like my older sister, the tattle tale queen.

If I smell your nasty ghetto apartment smoke again, you bet your BUTT i'm gonna dial up landy-lords number in .342 seconds. I'd advise you puttin those cigs out soon, friends.

Sorry but not sorry- but i'll totally laugh if i see you on tv with a hole in your throat,

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Dear Kardashian Sisters,

Most of you are so foul. and crass. and say VERY inappropriate things. Your dresses are too tight, and you wear WAYYYY too much makeup. And why do all of you have shows? Is it just because your dad was a famous lawyer way back when? I hate those high pitch voices you use when you are trying to look cute. But guess what?


I watch all your shows. Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim and Kourtney take New York, and Klohe & Lamar! I love all of you too much.


Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dear Rebecca Black,

For you.. i have only a few things to say:

1. In your youtube sensation "Friday", i hope you know people are watching it because its so awful.

2. If the literal pain a dog feels when it is getting nuetered had a sound, your voice would be it.

3. 'gotta wake up gotta get my cereal gotta go to the bus stop theres my friends front seat back seat which seat will i take' lyrics dummy. You have the i.q. of frozen yogurt.

4. Congratulations, because no matter what.. haters have "Friday, friday, friday.." burned into their brains.

Mission accomplished, you annoying 14 year old. At 14 i was focused on looking cute in gym class..and at 14 youre a youtube sensation because you are an embarrassment to society.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dear Drunken Idiot,

You are a moron... as if your snowflake tatoo on your bicep didn't already allude to that fact. You are smelly, and asking for hugs from women while intoxicated is pathetic. you are a whole difference race of stupid. AND... you are only 18... better watch out when i turn you in. idiot.

Grossed out,

Monday, March 21, 2011

Dear Army Man,

I do not regret calling you an 'awful person' and a 'poor excuse for a man.
do you blame me? do you remember our conversation?

me: hey would you like to donate to japan?
him: i'm an american. so no.
me: youre kidding right
him: why would i donate to the japanese? did they ever help us? no. why waste my money
me: you are awful. there are already 15,000 people dead over there. you wont even donate to help their families?
him: no. i love america, id donate to americans. i dont care about other people, especially the japanese. why would i donate my money to them when i could donate to starving kids here in MY country?
me: well have you?
him: well no. i'm in the army though and i do what i do for America
me: its sad we have people like you representing our country. seriously. i'm sad about it.
him: i dont frickin care
me: you are a poor excuse for a man. and an awful person.

You are lucky i didnt act on the thoughts in my mind right then. i wanted to slap you across the face, knee you, and kick you in the weenie. possibly stab your heart out. oh wait, nope. no heart there.

I hope you have fun being hateful the rest of your life.


p.s... youre an ugly ginger


Sunday, March 13, 2011

Dear Charlie Sheen...

I feel like... if someone were to upen up your brain, they would find very few braincells riding around on a dragon carousel drinking tigers blood while screaming jibberish nonsense to their fellow neighbor braincells. Maybe they are shaking a tambourine or two in your head. Maybe there is a marching band cooking pot filled brownies on your deteriorating brain and the stove is burning their faces off while at it. faceless, high braincells.



Thursday, February 24, 2011

Dear Little Boy in the Grocery Line,

Being obnoxious on purpose; I get it. youre 6.
....poking my butt twice in line at the check-out stand with your skinny little finger?
The only reason i didn't turn around and say something is because i'm really sure your red-neck mother would have smacked you.

Suprised, Mildly Offended and Amused,

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Dear Justin Bieber,

You are ruining the world.
Your hair flip, baby faced fever is taking over every country in the WOOORRLLDD.
What will happen when you go through puberty?


Sunday, January 30, 2011

Dear Arizona Man,

I rofled when i read your news story on ksl.
"I was going to overdose on heroin and then be bear food"
hahahahha. shoot up heroin.. then go out like a champ in yellowstone huh?
hmm. well, this is only ok since youre a convicted runaway murderer.
I'll help drench you in honey?


Saturday, January 8, 2011

Dear 2011,

Please be good to me. Please send me to Europe or another awesome country... and get me a STELLAR paying job and please send me lots of money so i can pay for school and maybe a shirt or two. Let me get SUPER tan in the summer so I can go back to Hawaii and fit in with the natives. Teach me how to be crafty, 2011, so i can feel accomplished and domestic. Also, please make my committment issues go away, and magically make my decision making powers appear, because 2010 was full of wishy-washiness. I plan to come back to you in 2012, and i hope you have bestowed upon me at least 3 of these things, if i'm good. Thanks 2011.


PS you could throw in a DSLR i've been wanting for 5 years but dont have the guts to buy it.

PS again, if i don't lose 20 pounds, i'm swearing you off and don't ever expect to get a letter from me again.