Monday, December 21, 2009

Dear Cheetah Woods,

Ah, you my friend have joined the DBAC! (Douche-Bags of America Club) Welcome! Your fellow members are:
-Jon Gosselin: President
-Jude Law: VP
-Usher: Treasurer
-A-rod: Secretary
-Spencer Pratt: Honorary Member
..and MANY more! So, welcome to the clan, good luck running away from the press till you are old and gray. Serves you right, sir..your career is over.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Dear Kobe,

Thanks for being sick tonight so the jazz could hold out on the 12 game winning streak in the energy solutions arena. Sort of sucky that without you, your team is crap.. but..hey thanks for the good times. And, paying off the refs to call crap calls STILL didn't make us lose. Sorry.

I hope you didn't catch Aids... but i wouldn't be surprised if you did. Thats all.


Friday, December 11, 2009

Dear Creepy Boy,

Quit 'accidentally' showing up at places that i just so happen to be at. You freak me out, and so does your flesh-colored goatee.

And you ate the relief society treats in sunday school and that bothered me. Bye.

Keeping my distance,

Monday, December 7, 2009

dear loved,

i feel like words aren't enough to comfort you. i wish there was an explanation and i wish that your hurt would go away and i wish there were more definite answers to these sorts of things. i hope that if anything my prayers will be answered and that you will feel hope and the burdens will be lifted off your shoulders. we had a great lesson in sunday school about families being together forever and i know that its all truth. know you are loved and know that the ones you lost are eternally loved by our Heavenly Father.


Monday, November 30, 2009

Dear Kristen Stewart,

I'm super fed-up with you and your breathing problems. Learn how to act. I dislike how you scream, and especially how you breathe. Sweetheart, breathing hard is not a character choice! Hyperventalating and having no emotion on your face is not a character choice, either. Thanks for ruining the vamp books for me. You piss me off, kristen stewart, and I'm quite convinced I could make a better 'bella' than you. Bless your heart, you are absolutely terrible.

Only trying to help,

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dear Tuesday/Wednesday Bus Driver,

I'm in love with you and I swoon everytime I see you.


Monday, November 2, 2009

Dear Halloween,

Hey, thanks for the great times yesterday. I sure did have fun. But, I think that you make things sorta slutty sometimes. You let girls dress up skanky and you allow body parts to hang from all sorts of places, ya know? And you make it possible for a whole dance floor to smell like sweaty butt. You were a ton funner when I was 6.

Thanks for the great times and letdowns,

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Dear TMZ and OK magazine,

Let Jon and Kate ruin their own lives. they are doing a pretty good job at it without your help, and don't need you putting it all over the magazine covers in walmart. Go focus on subjects like balloon boy or something.

And jon, you are the most immature son of a b that i've ever met. or seen. or watched in a reality television show.


Thursday, October 1, 2009

Dear Tot-Mom,

You make me sick. I hope you stay in prison for the next 300 years.

You're not worth an ending salutation,

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Dear Kanye,

No wonder you always wear those ugly are hiding the fact that YOU DON'T HAVE A SOUL. i do not know what posessed you to run up on stage at the vma's and intercept taylor swift's award and rudely inturrupt her speech..but i'm hoping it was alcohol induced or drug related. you have successfully lost your fan base of all girls ranging from age 13-19 years old. God bless beyonce for letting poor taylor finish her speech. She is pure, vuluptuous class. YOU on the other hand.. blaming your awful behavior on your mother's death? i understand you are hurt, but i don't buy it. She'd put a boot up your A for such awful behavior. Jeez. play nice Kanye, play nice.
Youre a trifling friend in deed.

Awfullest Regards,

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dear Ex,

Running into you today was quite funny. Seeing you all over your girlfriend, not so funny. Stuffing my face after and drowning myself in sorrow; funny.

Hope to never see you again,

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Dear Bad-A,

If your fettish for sideways hats and sagged jean shorts didn't make me giggle enough, the smell of alcohol on your breath this morning sure did. Way to start thirsy thursday a bit early. Give your condolences to your liver for me.

Thanks for all the laughs,

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dear Sick and Twisted,

I enjoy my Psychology class. What i do not enjoy, is sitting next to you. First of all, if your toe hair sticking out of your sick mandals wasnt enough, the way you mutter under your breath drives me insane. FYI, your creepy accent makes you sound like jafar when you talk, and i think you have pure evil running through your veins.

Talking about Milgrams Electric Shock experiment was really quite fascinating, even though it was sad to realize how many people in the world will follow orders even if it involves harming others. What was NOT fascinating and was actually quite disturbing, was hearing your evil little snicker when Professor Bates went into detail about what would happen when someone applied 600 volts of shock to the other person. You are entertained by others pain, are you not? Who sprinkled demon on your effing cheerios this morning!?!?!?

Hearing you LAUGH at the pictures he showed of people getting killed in various wars made me sick. Hearing you mumble.. "The last time i killed someone...". I'm glad i ignored you when you tried to comment to me. I'm glad i glared at you. I'm glad that I had enough restraint not to yell at you so that i would not cause a scene. You are a sick and twisted bastard. And if i wasn't positive you'd come after me, I would have slapped you so hard that you would have wet yourself.


P.S. I am usually a nice, classy person. And i feel zero tolerance for tools like you.

P.S. again..If you ever.. and I mean EVER, try to sit by me again, I will castrate you. With a butter knife.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Dear Gosselin Kids,

I truly feel so awful for you. You poor poor children. Not only do you have to share genes with Katezilla and Dirtbag Jon, but for the resssst of your life, you are going to end up in TMZ mag and US weekly. Its not your fault that Jon is attracted to slutty hoes, nor is it your fault that your mother has a few chemical issues that she needs resolved in therapy. So if i were you, I'd pack up your blankies and dollies and head out to the nearest road.. I think that hitchhiking your way to a new life would be the best outcome to this situation. Or, in a few years you could drive yourself over to the invitro specialist and give him a piece of your mind for allowing your parents to produce children. That could work too.

Bless your little hearts,

P.S. if your daddy marries that hoebag hailey, I would advise you to hire a hitman.

P.S. again, i hate you madi and i think that you caused the divorce. devil child.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Dear Boy Who Threw A Rock At My Window,

Not cool. If you do this again, i'll come up with something else to scream out the window other than, "I'm married and pregnant, leave me alone!". And what i do yell will involve curse words. You are not a Jonas brother coming to serenade me. You are not prince charming. So leave me alone.


Dear NieNie

Thank you for making me appreciate my blessed life. Thank you for making me appreciate every freckle on my face, and every imperfection i have. You're amazing.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dear Oliver from 'Oliver Twist',

I was just wondering what on earth would posess you to give michael jackson your sperm so he could grow a baby with debbie rowe? i just thought i'd ask, cause i'm pretty curious.

Grossed out and intruiged,

P.S. what other famous celebs have you donated your swimmers to?

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Dear Teenage Boy,

Thank you for bowing to me like a knight in shining armor and making a gentlemanly gesture to give me the right away at the four way stop today. Thank you, for making me feel like a lady and making me laugh as i passed you. you are awesome.

hoping to see you again,

Friday, August 7, 2009

Dear Billy Mays,

I gave you plenty of attention when i heard of your death, even though everyone was focused on dear MJ. And what is it that i see on the google headlines?

"Billy Mays autopsy reveals cocaine"

so thats why you were always so loud and frazzled on your so-loved infomercials! Kaboom!!! you were waiting for another hit of coke! tisk tisk billy!!!! Now whenever i see you on tv, (rest in peace) i'm going to run up to the tv and carefully inspect your beard for evidence that you really were an avid drug user.

Ashamed of your secret habits but still sorry you passed,

did you at least slip some coke into some Oxy-Clean for the rest of us? or perhaps... Oxycontin?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dear Mother Nature,

I like being a lady. I do not like having miserable, thrashing around in my bed, pulling my hair out, gut-wrenching type cramps.

Thanks for making me feel like garbage 12 weeks out of the year.

Your Pal,

Dear Michael Jackson,

I'm sorry that you passed so suddenly. But I'm even more sorry that you gained more 'diehard' fans in the past month because well, you died. How tacky! I hate people like that. I hate.. that I am one of them. Sure I liked a few of your songs here and there, but I must admit that after you died, i became like one of those annoying people who show up to the funeral and convince the whole family that we were the very best of friends. (If i had the chance to actually do that, i totally would have made up some sweet story about how we go way back and were kindred spirits from the beginning. Jermaine woulda eaten that crap up, don't you think?)

I ordered a DVD of your 'greatest music video hits'...and mannnn were they weird. The cat turning into a tiger when he passed by the magic garbage can in 'Billie Jean' just blew my mind. The homeless man transforming his whole appearance after you gave him a nickel... GOLDEN! The detective that just lurked around wherever you sang? Creepy. You turning into a panther and doing some risque moves in sequined socks sort of made me wonder if i was on acid.

When Mccauley Culkin showed up in your multicultural video, 'Black or White', i tilted my head to the side and said.. 'hmm.' mostly because he had NOTHING to do with.. anything...but i guess he just had to show up to play his guitar so loud that his dads recliner would end up in Africa? Yeah that must be it. I dont know. Cool dancing aborigines though. (now that i think of it.. aborigines aren't black OR white?) Anyway, Congrats Mr. Jackson, you won the random award for incoporating Mccauley Culkin, a shape-shifting black panther, aborigines, lions, a sumo wrestler, and a morphing Tyra Banks all into ONE video!

I always thought you had the most inappropriate crotch-grabbing dance moves, but admired your skill anyway. I've always tried to learn how to moon walk and am scared i might hyper-extend my knees i'll leave the mind-boggling dance moves to you. for now Michael, i hope you are moon walking and dancing all over the face of the moon, sporting dazzling sequined moon socks, laughing at all of us trying to figure out how you really died.

Michael, i think you are great. I don't believe youre a child molester, i think you just were really, really strange. I blame your worthless father for screwing you up and making you a little questionable at times. If i had neverland as a home, i'd invite little kids over to play on it all the time too!

your #1 fan of all time EVER who has been with you from the beginning,

P.S. And Michael, i thought you looked much better with your first nose and your beautiful dark skin.