Friday, September 21, 2012

Dear Anonymous,

Saw you read my last post. Need you to know i loved your comment.

"Anonymous said...
Wow. Hopefully one day the rest of mankind can achieve your level of perfection. After reading through a few posts I see that you have issues. You are 100% un-funny. Get well soon."

LOL to the LOL to the LOL to the LOL. i can't stop rofling.

You just made my day.
And while you're at it blog-commenting anonymously... you might wanna look for your panties. I think they're in a bunch somewhere.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dear Sluts,

Go back to MySpace.

i'm TOTES sick of your kissy faces all over facebook.
and sick of your peace signs and ratted hair.
and PLEASE for the love of liza, start wearing clothes.

if your dress is actually a shirt, you should probably start reconsidering your wardrobe.
if people have named your always-poppin-out-boobs.....probs should consider changing your wardrobe.
if from behind your pervy brother is mistakenly and accidentally attracted to should probs reconsider your wardrobe.

you are not fooling anyone with that victorias secret 'add-a-cup' bra, ps.
you slutty girls make me nervous for the younger generation.

if bratz dollz weren't teaching them how to look like a whore already, you in your booty shorts, tube tops and high heels are doing the trick. to all of you!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Dear Relief Society Teacher,

I am writing this on behalf of my elder sister, who was thoroughly offended by you today (and fueled by her raging unbalanced hormones and PMS...)

-aside from encouraging all the sisters that we were 'above' everyone else....
-aside from pretty much preaching false doctrine through the entire lesson...
-aside from you bragging about how a man followed you around your cruiseship in hopes of courting you for an entire week...
-aside from you saying 'AUUUUUHHM' with your utah accent at the rate of 9 times per every 4 1/2 minutes...
-aside from your poorly drawn on eyebrows...
-aside from being the bane of my existence and the reason singles wards are sometimes comical..

i totes was completely distracted by your 14 inch leather brown feathery earrings hanging down to your elbows. All we learned from your lesson today, was that getting the guts to try fashion experiments should not take place in the Lord's house. EVER.


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Dear new upstairs neighbor,

Why is it I have such bad luck with upstairs neighbors? I know not. However, I do know I'd take grizzly snoring man over you ANY DAY.

I have never felt so awkward in my life and if these NOISY nights don't stop, your brothel of a bedroom will be getting loud knocks from the floor below, mid-activity, mind you. Honey badger dont care. I'll do it. I promise, I really will if you dont keep your hanky-panky noise down!!! Thanks.

Wishing for the first time i went to BYU and Almost in tears due to sheer naive girlish terror,

Ps you just ruined my life.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Dear Drive-Thru Kid,

Just because i come and order a 'chocolate cookie dough shake with extra cookie dough' and sound like a frantic obese person via drive thru speaker.....does NOT mean you should expect me to be feeding more than myself and hand me my ginormo shake with two spoons.

one spoon, buddy boy. uno.

look of shock when you realize that yes, its JUST me in the car ordering that huge thing? slightly offensive but classic.

Ever since i realized a Jake's Over the Top still existed and that it just so happened to be across the street from McKay-Dee......i've only been coming once a week for 3 months now every Thursday. You should know by now.
So what if my theighs rub together when i walk?
Cookie dough is my derek. I am meredith..and cookie dough is my derek. okay!?

One spoon next time, kid..or you get my fist,

Monday, October 10, 2011

Dear Vicious Snorer Neighbor

I'm legitely concerned for your health. Do you have a breathing problem? By the sounds of your large, furry mammal-like 'ggngnhhhh and gunnnuuuuh', your throat must look like raw meat. You also must be in the upper righthand corner of our building, if i am correct.  Its actually quite impressive that your snoring is carrying this far. Your poor, poor roommates!

Im going to try to go to sleep in the next few hours... so i'd appreciate it if you muffled your bearcalls with a pillow. THAT..or..get a breathing strip..a snoring ring..plug your nose... plug your mouth. Try something..because if you don't, imma bout to come up there and do something about it.

(and by the looks of your front porch, i'm gonna have to bring a bat to keep myself safe if i step inside your house. So, don't think i'm a burgalar...just an annoyed neighbor with a bat k.)

neighborly love,

Monday, July 11, 2011

Dear Everyone at My Highschool,

Is it necessary to marry eachother? Must we intertwine our genes together? Can you not fish in a more diverse pond? I don't understand. Did all the best potential spouses just so HAPPEN to go to the very same highschool? And if so, WHY DIDNT ANYONE INFORM ME UNTIL NOW? Is it that everyone goes searching elsewhere but just so happens to go flip through the old yearbook and find their future husband/wife?
I dont know.

it does bring me joy/kicks and giggles to see on facebook that the girl from english class is marrying that one kid who used to make out with his girlfriend in the 1100 hall... Or it makes me laugh that the one cheerleader ended up with the one she never even knew existed but had known her for years. OR how about the girl who stole that boy away from me who ended up marrying that kid down the street. or what about that nice girl marrying the funny boy who graduated 6 years earlier, whom she didnt even know existed?

Ahh.. where does life take us? Back to the north and south parking lots of highschool, thats where.

I may as well just go sit there with  my thumb out and see if any potential spouses will pick me up.

Thanks for the laughs- DHS class of 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09,

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Dear Lady GaGa,

Are you a male, or female?


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Dear Blaine Warbler,

You make me swoon.
(minus you look like one of my ex boyfriends whom i wish to forget..)
But nonetheless, SWOON.
You are my teenage dream.

It doesnt matter if youre gay on tv.....right? I hope youre not gay in real life...cuz I found out Jesse St. James is gay in real life and it sorta crushed me... But after I did a little youtube research..maybe you ARE gay in real life, because you became famous for covering disney songs, such as 'part of your world' and 'lets get down to business'.
Thats super embarrassing on your part. But I guess I can look past that because you are soooo frickin' adorable!

Ardently wishing your true sexuality is straight-as-a-board,

Monday, May 16, 2011

Dear Ghetto Smoker Girls,

My air vent  from downstairs that is leaking hotely/smokey/musty smell isn't fooling anyone.
You.......are.........sooo HUFFIN AND PUFFIN! and so caught.

So, the way i see it... you have two options:
1: Stop smoking and smelling up my house and live your life cancer-free
2: Wait till karma comes around and end up like the lady on tv with the hole in her throat..and be ready to sound like a robot the rest of your life
3: Get tattled on by ME.

I'm thinking option 3 is the best right now. Sorry that your unhealthy habits are forcing me to act like my older sister, the tattle tale queen.

If I smell your nasty ghetto apartment smoke again, you bet your BUTT i'm gonna dial up landy-lords number in .342 seconds. I'd advise you puttin those cigs out soon, friends.

Sorry but not sorry- but i'll totally laugh if i see you on tv with a hole in your throat,