Friday, September 21, 2012

Dear Anonymous,

Saw you read my last post. Need you to know i loved your comment.

"Anonymous said...
Wow. Hopefully one day the rest of mankind can achieve your level of perfection. After reading through a few posts I see that you have issues. You are 100% un-funny. Get well soon."

LOL to the LOL to the LOL to the LOL. i can't stop rofling.

You just made my day.
And while you're at it blog-commenting anonymously... you might wanna look for your panties. I think they're in a bunch somewhere.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dear Sluts,

Go back to MySpace.

i'm TOTES sick of your kissy faces all over facebook.
and sick of your peace signs and ratted hair.
and PLEASE for the love of liza, start wearing clothes.

if your dress is actually a shirt, you should probably start reconsidering your wardrobe.
if people have named your always-poppin-out-boobs.....probs should consider changing your wardrobe.
if from behind your pervy brother is mistakenly and accidentally attracted to should probs reconsider your wardrobe.

you are not fooling anyone with that victorias secret 'add-a-cup' bra, ps.
you slutty girls make me nervous for the younger generation.

if bratz dollz weren't teaching them how to look like a whore already, you in your booty shorts, tube tops and high heels are doing the trick. to all of you!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Dear Relief Society Teacher,

I am writing this on behalf of my elder sister, who was thoroughly offended by you today (and fueled by her raging unbalanced hormones and PMS...)

-aside from encouraging all the sisters that we were 'above' everyone else....
-aside from pretty much preaching false doctrine through the entire lesson...
-aside from you bragging about how a man followed you around your cruiseship in hopes of courting you for an entire week...
-aside from you saying 'AUUUUUHHM' with your utah accent at the rate of 9 times per every 4 1/2 minutes...
-aside from your poorly drawn on eyebrows...
-aside from being the bane of my existence and the reason singles wards are sometimes comical..

i totes was completely distracted by your 14 inch leather brown feathery earrings hanging down to your elbows. All we learned from your lesson today, was that getting the guts to try fashion experiments should not take place in the Lord's house. EVER.


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Dear new upstairs neighbor,

Why is it I have such bad luck with upstairs neighbors? I know not. However, I do know I'd take grizzly snoring man over you ANY DAY.

I have never felt so awkward in my life and if these NOISY nights don't stop, your brothel of a bedroom will be getting loud knocks from the floor below, mid-activity, mind you. Honey badger dont care. I'll do it. I promise, I really will if you dont keep your hanky-panky noise down!!! Thanks.

Wishing for the first time i went to BYU and Almost in tears due to sheer naive girlish terror,

Ps you just ruined my life.