Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dear Michael Jackson,

I'm sorry that you passed so suddenly. But I'm even more sorry that you gained more 'diehard' fans in the past month because well, you died. How tacky! I hate people like that. I hate.. that I am one of them. Sure I liked a few of your songs here and there, but I must admit that after you died, i became like one of those annoying people who show up to the funeral and convince the whole family that we were the very best of friends. (If i had the chance to actually do that, i totally would have made up some sweet story about how we go way back and were kindred spirits from the beginning. Jermaine woulda eaten that crap up, don't you think?)

I ordered a DVD of your 'greatest music video hits'...and mannnn were they weird. The cat turning into a tiger when he passed by the magic garbage can in 'Billie Jean' just blew my mind. The homeless man transforming his whole appearance after you gave him a nickel... GOLDEN! The detective that just lurked around wherever you sang? Creepy. You turning into a panther and doing some risque moves in sequined socks sort of made me wonder if i was on acid.

When Mccauley Culkin showed up in your multicultural video, 'Black or White', i tilted my head to the side and said.. 'hmm.' mostly because he had NOTHING to do with.. anything...but i guess he just had to show up to play his guitar so loud that his dads recliner would end up in Africa? Yeah that must be it. I dont know. Cool dancing aborigines though. (now that i think of it.. aborigines aren't black OR white?) Anyway, Congrats Mr. Jackson, you won the random award for incoporating Mccauley Culkin, a shape-shifting black panther, aborigines, lions, a sumo wrestler, and a morphing Tyra Banks all into ONE video!

I always thought you had the most inappropriate crotch-grabbing dance moves, but admired your skill anyway. I've always tried to learn how to moon walk and am scared i might hyper-extend my knees i'll leave the mind-boggling dance moves to you. for now Michael, i hope you are moon walking and dancing all over the face of the moon, sporting dazzling sequined moon socks, laughing at all of us trying to figure out how you really died.

Michael, i think you are great. I don't believe youre a child molester, i think you just were really, really strange. I blame your worthless father for screwing you up and making you a little questionable at times. If i had neverland as a home, i'd invite little kids over to play on it all the time too!

your #1 fan of all time EVER who has been with you from the beginning,

P.S. And Michael, i thought you looked much better with your first nose and your beautiful dark skin.

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