Dear Billy Mays,

I gave you plenty of attention when i heard of your death, even though everyone was focused on dear MJ. And what is it that i see on the google headlines?

"Billy Mays autopsy reveals cocaine"

so thats why you were always so loud and frazzled on your so-loved infomercials! Kaboom!!! you were waiting for another hit of coke! tisk tisk billy!!!! Now whenever i see you on tv, (rest in peace) i'm going to run up to the tv and carefully inspect your beard for evidence that you really were an avid drug user.

Ashamed of your secret habits but still sorry you passed,
-Me

P.S.
did you at least slip some coke into some Oxy-Clean for the rest of us? or perhaps... Oxycontin?