Dear Neighbors,

It is not socially appropriate to be welding your pitchfork in the nighttime hours. Nor is it appropriate to walk around with your welding mask on, like a psycho killer such as Jason. And why do you even have a pitchfork? Also, you are lucky that i didnt let all those pigeons loose you had in that little cage. PETA woulda been proud of me.

Oh, one more thing, girls down stairs, if you blast "things i'll never say" by avril (or anyother girl-power punk rock song alike) EVER again at 10 in the morning... you will get more than a 16 mean stomps from upstairs.

Thats a promise,
-Me

Dear Chubby Chinese Waterboy,

Thanks for getting me a drink of water from the team stash of dixie cups and tap water. I guess my wink worked for your 7-year old self, eh eh?

Love,
-Me

Dear Scooter Girls,

When you ride the scooter up the hilln to campus, its super annoying when you weave in and out of all the students carrying their heavy-laden satchels up that awful hill. Its especially annoying when you yell to your fellow scooter gang -"o0000oo no wayyyttee! saraaAAAHHH! girl you're going too fast! wwo0o0o0oahh! OMG! (*giggle giggle giggle*)"

gag.

But the worst: when you wear your black 6 inch hooker boots AND still come to campus on your razor scooter.

Bless your hearts,
-Me

Dear Toolbags of Logan, UT...

If you are going to be completely tactless in your necklaces, spiked hair and shizzed out cars, at least have some more decency than being the guy that hits on girls while you are alone at the pool working on your tan and listening to the 'good girls gone bad' song. If i had it my way, you get one choice of tool to limit the doucheness of the city of Logan.. It goes as follows:

1. Car that you pimped out on MTV
2. Daily activity involving 3-4 hours at the gym
3. Time spent in the mirror
4. Number of necklaces you wear
5. How you say the word "YYYyyyeeaaaaAA"
6.  Poor personality
7. Public behavior
8. Any goal to work at Hollister or Ambercrombie and Fitch
9. Decibles of the bass in your pimped out car
10. How many 'bikini pool parties' you throw

Pick your poison.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Miley,

I liked you better when you wore that wig on the disney channel, and still had a very noticable "ish" shpeech impediment.
Why have you gone down the road to Sluttymcslutville?
You pole danced at the teen choice awards. yikes. You walk around in brittany-attire. (pre mid-twenties crisis, of course)
And Billy Ray? I wish you could say you are breaking his achy breaky heart with shaming yourself publicly, because that would be just.. well.. plain witty! but no. You get a standing ovation from daddy when you pull stunts like that on national television. Personally, I think someone should call child services on that situation.

And so it begins. You go down the slipperly slide of stardom in hollywood. I'll be looking for your future appearance on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew someday.

Cheers,
-Me

P.S. As for your best friend Leslie? Poor girl...
You're just bein' Miley!

Dear Chester,

So glad you were making your rounds at Wal-mart when the black out happened.
Next time try picking up ladies of your own age? Maybe 60 or 70? They probably will think that getting into an old rusty truck with a toothless man who compliments you out the nose WOULD be the lucid thing to do.

Thanks but no thanks,
-Me

Dear Heartbreak,

Alas, we meet again. You have forced me to put on my sappy breakup man hating playlist once more. That really chaps my hide, you know that?

So he loved another the whole time....you knew what was coming for me! you greedy little son-of-a... rub your little heartbreak hands together why dont you and laugh at me!?!? You've visited me about 3 times in the past little while, and i am sick of seeing your face. You have done none other than driven me to listen to AVRIL LAVIGNE songs!!! What respectable woman in her twenties wallows in teen-punk rock break up ballads!?

Heartbreak, i wish you'd just leave me alone. right about now i feel like shoving a sandwhich down your throat and making you choke on it. or maybe have a bee fly in your mouth and sting you. or hey, go mariokart your way down the street and let Bowser pummel you with a red shell. or you could kindly leave and don't let the door hit ya on the way out, because you owe me that.

No peace and No blessins,
-Me

P.S. i will break out the Cruciatus and/or Sectumsepra spell if you come round here again. I'm sure i could arrange somethin with Volde if you're feelin brave.

Dear Dolphins,

I have never seen you up close.
You freak me out when you give birth on Animal Planet.
However, I will be spending alot of time with you this summer.
Please keep your tiny teeth away from me, and your bottle nose an appropriate distance away from any vital organs of mine you might be tempted to take a poke at.

Sincerely,
-Me

Dear Prince Charming,

I think its around that time where you should show up in my life.
I appreciate you holding out on me, its kept me on my toes.
But seriously, ya wanna pick it up a little?
I'M ONLY YOUNG FOR SO LONG!!!!!
Bump into me at a restaurant or something.
Hold the door for me somewhere.
I DONT CARE.
just show up.
thanks sweetie!


Always Yours,
-Me

Dear Sophomore Year,

Thanks for all the idiot boyfriends you gave me.
And thanks for making me gain the freshman 15 back.
You're a real gem, you know that?

Pissed,
-Me

Dear Nadeene,

hello little fat girl that lives inside me.

i hate that you stay around for weeks at a time when the semester is coming to an end. you just love to ruin my life around finals time, don't you? as if calculating numbers in my stats class wasn't enough, you just make me weigh myself alllllll the time to figure out how many 20 pound infants i'll have to lose before our next encounter where you'll ruin my life once more. at least stop making me visit the aggie quickstop in between classes for a sugar load-up!?!? frick. you're the worst.
a worthy opponent, you are.


hate hate hate loath entirely,
-me

Dear Girl,

I hope that somehow, someway and someday soon you recieve this letter. because trust me, in a few weeks you'd have wished that you had read it. I just wanted to inform you....
HE IS A MAN-HO AND IS GOING TO BREAK YOUR HEART SO RUN WHILE YOU CAN BEFORE HE PUTS HIS SPELL ON YOU, YOU SILLY GIRL! he only wants to kiss you. its not like he wants to be your boyfriend or anything. and if he says he wants to be your boyfriend, he is lying. lets be real. the only girlfriend he has is his boyfriend that looks back at him in the mirror everyday with that blue collared hollister shirt on. sweetheart, hes a player with a capital D for douche.

trust. me. on. this. one, okay blondie? i've been there done that! its just a matter of time my friend. hes a COWBOY CASANOVA. he's a devil in disguise. a snake with blue eyes, if you will. and he only comes out at night.

you better run for your life,
-Me

p.s... thanks carrie underwood for your inspiring words of wisdom.

Dear Homie,

I do not appreciate being called out infront of large groups of people when I am innocently keeping to myself and walking to class, minding my own business.
I especially do not like having attention brought to me by someone shouting rather loudly, the classy phrase:
"hey yo girl!"

And most of all, I think that a boy of your pasty complexion and miniscule stature has no place even uttering those words.
If you're gonna act like a G, at least be taller and older than Justin Beiber.

Thanks,
-Me

Dear Ricky Martin,

I hate to break this news to you, but everyone already knew you were gay.
Way to come out Ricky boy, but i mean... if your tight shirts and leather pants weren't enough, 'Livin la Vida Loca' sure opened up that closet you were hiding in.
All of our gaydars have definitely been pointing to you for the past 10 years.

Godspeed,
-Me

Dear Marriage Fairy,

Quit stealing my friends.
I know you mean well, but you are breaking my haaaaaahhhrrrtt.
Quit droppin diamonds like it aint no thing.
Or least take a few years off. Go on a vacay. Go crazy.
Over and Out.

Peace and Blessings,
-Me

Dear Bus Driver,

Oh, you again. Not only did we smile at eachother today, but we both asked how the other one was at the exact same time, so an absolutely adorable awkwardness radiated from the aggie shuttle. Ahhhh. Love.

Creepily,
Me

Dear USU students,

Hello. You know our awesome library? The good ol Merrill-Cazier? Yeah. That place.
Well, if you didn't know, that place is a place of studying. And quiet. And books. And cozy homework spots. And occasional facebook/drink/bathroom breaks.
However, it is NOT a place for making out, sitting on eachothers laps inappropriately, or youtubing Lion King videos.

That is all.

Maturely,
-Me

Dear Monday/Wednesday Bus driver,

Thanks for being so friendly today when i got up enough courage to say a few more words than just 'hi'.
You are adorable.
And maybe next time our conversation will be like.. 2 or 3 sentences? yahtzee!

I'm shooting for the moon,
-Me

Dear Shawn White,

You are hideous.
But your amazing athlete complex makes you strangely sexy...
Evn though people mistake you for carrot-top.
And that little air guitar gig on the platform while you were gettin your medal?
KILLER!

you ROOOOOOCCCCKKK.

Respectfully Yours,
-Me

Dear Ex-boyfriend's Fiancee,

Hey.. It was funny when you were my waitress the other day and you had no idea who i was...and little did you know, i've been facebook stalking you for quite some time now. Ha! Remember how it took him a year to wanna marry you? remember how it took him ten days to creepily tell me he wanted to marry me? HA! sweet vengeance is mine.

-Me

p.s.
i really think you are adorable and am secretly happy for the both of you. but don't tell him that.

Dear Boy,

Sorry there wasn't enough room in our relationship for me, you, AND your big fat ego.

Truly and Sincerely,
-Me

Dear Man in the Elevator

It is not socially acceptable to stand in someones comfort zone when there is plenty of space in the large elevator for you to creep in. It also is against every social norm to face your elevator-mate and directly stare at them the entire elevator ride. I have periphreal vision.
If I had a green goblin hanging out of my nose or something, you could have told me. Or maybe there was a spider in my hair. Either way, say something to me or keep your creepy stares to yourself.

Courteously,
-Me

Dear Miranda,

I don't know you, nor do I want to get to know you after you joined our group today in social work and told us these stories whilst laughing. Talking about the time you had to kick a 'downsyndromed' kid in the face because he grabbed your leg while swimming, does NOT impress us nor does it make us want to be your friend. Telling us how terrified you are of 'them' makes me want to advise you to change your major...and it also makes me want to go tattle on you to Dr. Peak and let her know we have a complete moron applying for the program. That is all.

You are lucky I don't know where you sleep.

-Me

Dear Heidi Montag-Pratt,

The other day as I was meandering my way through the walmart checkstand, and I saw this girl on the cover that had a strikingly similar face structure to that of michael jackson in the late 90's! And as I took a closer look, I saw that it was you! And so it begins. Your downward spiral. I'm excited to see just how far your skewed version of beauty will go. Bless your heart. Girlfriend, have you seen this picture?

other than the fact that it looks like your yabbos are about to jump out and attack me, and your nose could be used as a ski slope.. i'd say that your surgery wasn't TOO noticable. Spencer, get ready to be married to this in ten years..(rest in peace):

Very Concerned,
-Me

p.s. i think its funny that you are overshadowing the President of the United States on the cover of this magazine.

p.s. again, your husbands flesh-colored beard freaks me out.

Dear 2010,

Be good to me. Find me a handsome boyfriend, help me lose the saddlebags i have on my theighs from eating nutella, get me a good paying job, help me climb down from the ugly tree and get back up the pretty hill that i slid down after the 8th grade, help me not be terrified of getting married, find me a good car and a puppy. Thanks.

Peace and blessings,
-Me

P.S. i wouldn't mind if you threw in a trip to Europe. Juuuuuust sayin.