Dear Man in the Elevator

It is not socially acceptable to stand in someones comfort zone when there is plenty of space in the large elevator for you to creep in. It also is against every social norm to face your elevator-mate and directly stare at them the entire elevator ride. I have periphreal vision.
If I had a green goblin hanging out of my nose or something, you could have told me. Or maybe there was a spider in my hair. Either way, say something to me or keep your creepy stares to yourself.

Courteously,
-Me

Dear Miranda,

I don't know you, nor do I want to get to know you after you joined our group today in social work and told us these stories whilst laughing. Talking about the time you had to kick a 'downsyndromed' kid in the face because he grabbed your leg while swimming, does NOT impress us nor does it make us want to be your friend. Telling us how terrified you are of 'them' makes me want to advise you to change your major...and it also makes me want to go tattle on you to Dr. Peak and let her know we have a complete moron applying for the program. That is all.

You are lucky I don't know where you sleep.

-Me

Dear Heidi Montag-Pratt,

The other day as I was meandering my way through the walmart checkstand, and I saw this girl on the cover that had a strikingly similar face structure to that of michael jackson in the late 90's! And as I took a closer look, I saw that it was you! And so it begins. Your downward spiral. I'm excited to see just how far your skewed version of beauty will go. Bless your heart. Girlfriend, have you seen this picture?

other than the fact that it looks like your yabbos are about to jump out and attack me, and your nose could be used as a ski slope.. i'd say that your surgery wasn't TOO noticable. Spencer, get ready to be married to this in ten years..(rest in peace):

Very Concerned,
-Me

p.s. i think its funny that you are overshadowing the President of the United States on the cover of this magazine.

p.s. again, your husbands flesh-colored beard freaks me out.

Dear 2010,

Be good to me. Find me a handsome boyfriend, help me lose the saddlebags i have on my theighs from eating nutella, get me a good paying job, help me climb down from the ugly tree and get back up the pretty hill that i slid down after the 8th grade, help me not be terrified of getting married, find me a good car and a puppy. Thanks.

Peace and blessings,
-Me

P.S. i wouldn't mind if you threw in a trip to Europe. Juuuuuust sayin.

Dear Cheetah Woods,

Ah, you my friend have joined the DBAC! (Douche-Bags of America Club) Welcome! Your fellow members are:
-Jon Gosselin: President
-Jude Law: VP
-Usher: Treasurer
-A-rod: Secretary
-Spencer Pratt: Honorary Member
..and MANY more! So, welcome to the clan, good luck running away from the press till you are old and gray. Serves you right, sir..your career is over.

-Me

Dear Kobe,

Thanks for being sick tonight so the jazz could hold out on the 12 game winning streak in the energy solutions arena. Sort of sucky that without you, your team is crap.. but..hey thanks for the good times. And, paying off the refs to call crap calls STILL didn't make us lose. Sorry.

I hope you didn't catch Aids... but i wouldn't be surprised if you did. Thats all.

Respectfully
-Me

Dear Creepy Boy,

Quit 'accidentally' showing up at places that i just so happen to be at. You freak me out, and so does your flesh-colored goatee.

And you ate the relief society treats in sunday school and that bothered me. Bye.

Keeping my distance,
-Me

dear loved,

i feel like words aren't enough to comfort you. i wish there was an explanation and i wish that your hurt would go away and i wish there were more definite answers to these sorts of things. i hope that if anything my prayers will be answered and that you will feel hope and the burdens will be lifted off your shoulders. we had a great lesson in sunday school about families being together forever and i know that its all truth. know you are loved and know that the ones you lost are eternally loved by our Heavenly Father.

-Me

Dear Kristen Stewart,

I'm super fed-up with you and your breathing problems. Learn how to act. I dislike how you scream, and especially how you breathe. Sweetheart, breathing hard is not a character choice! Hyperventalating and having no emotion on your face is not a character choice, either. Thanks for ruining the vamp books for me. You piss me off, kristen stewart, and I'm quite convinced I could make a better 'bella' than you. Bless your heart, you are absolutely terrible.

Only trying to help,
-Me

Dear Tuesday/Wednesday Bus Driver,

I'm in love with you and I swoon everytime I see you.

Love,
-Me