Dear new upstairs neighbor,

Why is it I have such bad luck with upstairs neighbors? I know not. However, I do know I'd take grizzly snoring man over you ANY DAY.

I have never felt so awkward in my life and if these NOISY nights don't stop, your brothel of a bedroom will be getting loud knocks from the floor below, mid-activity, mind you. Honey badger dont care. I'll do it. I promise, I really will if you dont keep your hanky-panky noise down!!! Thanks.

Wishing for the first time i went to BYU and Almost in tears due to sheer naive girlish terror,
-me

Ps you just ruined my life.

Dear Drive-Thru Kid,

Just because i come and order a 'chocolate cookie dough shake with extra cookie dough' and sound like a frantic obese person via drive thru speaker.....does NOT mean you should expect me to be feeding more than myself and hand me my ginormo shake with two spoons.


one spoon, buddy boy. uno.

look of shock when you realize that yes, its JUST me in the car ordering that huge thing? slightly offensive but classic.

Ever since i realized a Jake's Over the Top still existed and that it just so happened to be across the street from McKay-Dee......i've only been coming once a week for 3 months now every Thursday. You should know by now.
So what if my theighs rub together when i walk?
Cookie dough is my derek. I am meredith..and cookie dough is my derek. okay!?
WHY DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!?


One spoon next time, kid..or you get my fist,
-Me

Dear Vicious Snorer Neighbor

I'm legitely concerned for your health. Do you have a breathing problem? By the sounds of your large, furry mammal-like 'ggngnhhhh and gunnnuuuuh', your throat must look like raw meat. You also must be in the upper righthand corner of our building, if i am correct.  Its actually quite impressive that your snoring is carrying this far. Your poor, poor roommates!

Im going to try to go to sleep in the next few hours... so i'd appreciate it if you muffled your bearcalls with a pillow. THAT..or..get a breathing strip..a snoring ring..plug your nose... plug your mouth. Try something..because if you don't, imma bout to come up there and do something about it.

(and by the looks of your front porch, i'm gonna have to bring a bat to keep myself safe if i step inside your house. So, don't think i'm a burgalar...just an annoyed neighbor with a bat k.)

neighborly love,
-Me

Dear Everyone at My Highschool,

Is it necessary to marry eachother? Must we intertwine our genes together? Can you not fish in a more diverse pond? I don't understand. Did all the best potential spouses just so HAPPEN to go to the very same highschool? And if so, WHY DIDNT ANYONE INFORM ME UNTIL NOW? Is it that everyone goes searching elsewhere but just so happens to go flip through the old yearbook and find their future husband/wife?
I dont know.

BUT.
it does bring me joy/kicks and giggles to see on facebook that the girl from english class is marrying that one kid who used to make out with his girlfriend in the 1100 hall... Or it makes me laugh that the one cheerleader ended up with the one she never even knew existed but had known her for years. OR how about the girl who stole that boy away from me who ended up marrying that kid down the street. or what about that nice girl marrying the funny boy who graduated 6 years earlier, whom she didnt even know existed?

Ahh.. where does life take us? Back to the north and south parking lots of highschool, thats where.

I may as well just go sit there with  my thumb out and see if any potential spouses will pick me up.

Thanks for the laughs- DHS class of 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09,
-Me

Dear Lady GaGa,

Are you a male, or female?

Sincerely,
-Me

Dear Blaine Warbler,

You make me swoon.
(minus you look like one of my ex boyfriends whom i wish to forget..)
But nonetheless, SWOON.
You are my teenage dream.

It doesnt matter if youre gay on tv.....right? I hope youre not gay in real life...cuz I found out Jesse St. James is gay in real life and it sorta crushed me... But after I did a little youtube research..maybe you ARE gay in real life, because you became famous for covering disney songs, such as 'part of your world' and 'lets get down to business'.
Thats super embarrassing on your part. But I guess I can look past that because you are soooo frickin' adorable!

Ardently wishing your true sexuality is straight-as-a-board,
-Me

Dear Ghetto Smoker Girls,

My air vent  from downstairs that is leaking hotely/smokey/musty smell isn't fooling anyone.
You.......are.........sooo HUFFIN AND PUFFIN! and so caught.

So, the way i see it... you have two options:
1: Stop smoking and smelling up my house and live your life cancer-free
2: Wait till karma comes around and end up like the lady on tv with the hole in her throat..and be ready to sound like a robot the rest of your life
3: Get tattled on by ME.

I'm thinking option 3 is the best right now. Sorry that your unhealthy habits are forcing me to act like my older sister, the tattle tale queen.

If I smell your nasty ghetto apartment smoke again, you bet your BUTT i'm gonna dial up landy-lords number in .342 seconds. I'd advise you puttin those cigs out soon, friends.


Sorry but not sorry- but i'll totally laugh if i see you on tv with a hole in your throat,
-Me

Dear Kardashian Sisters,

Most of you are so foul. and crass. and say VERY inappropriate things. Your dresses are too tight, and you wear WAYYYY too much makeup. And why do all of you have shows? Is it just because your dad was a famous lawyer way back when? I hate those high pitch voices you use when you are trying to look cute. But guess what?


I'M  SOOOOOOO YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!!!

I watch all your shows. Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim and Kourtney take New York, and Klohe & Lamar! I love all of you too much.

Obsessed,
-Me

Dear Rebecca Black,

For you.. i have only a few things to say:

1. In your youtube sensation "Friday", i hope you know people are watching it because its so awful.

2. If the literal pain a dog feels when it is getting nuetered had a sound, your voice would be it.

3. 'gotta wake up gotta get my cereal gotta go to the bus stop theres my friends front seat back seat which seat will i take'....cool lyrics dummy. You have the i.q. of frozen yogurt.

4. Congratulations, because no matter what.. haters have "Friday, friday, friday.." burned into their brains.

Mission accomplished, you annoying 14 year old. At 14 i was focused on looking cute in gym class..and at 14 youre a youtube sensation because you are an embarrassment to society.

Cheers!
-Me

Dear Drunken Idiot,

You are a moron... as if your snowflake tatoo on your bicep didn't already allude to that fact. You are smelly, and asking for hugs from women while intoxicated is pathetic. you are a whole difference race of stupid. AND... you are only 18... better watch out when i turn you in. idiot.

Grossed out,
-Me