Dear Kardashian Sisters,

Most of you are so foul. and crass. and say VERY inappropriate things. Your dresses are too tight, and you wear WAYYYY too much makeup. And why do all of you have shows? Is it just because your dad was a famous lawyer way back when? I hate those high pitch voices you use when you are trying to look cute. But guess what?


I'M  SOOOOOOO YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!!!

I watch all your shows. Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim and Kourtney take New York, and Klohe & Lamar! I love all of you too much.

Obsessed,
-Me

Dear Rebecca Black,

For you.. i have only a few things to say:

1. In your youtube sensation "Friday", i hope you know people are watching it because its so awful.

2. If the literal pain a dog feels when it is getting nuetered had a sound, your voice would be it.

3. 'gotta wake up gotta get my cereal gotta go to the bus stop theres my friends front seat back seat which seat will i take'....cool lyrics dummy. You have the i.q. of frozen yogurt.

4. Congratulations, because no matter what.. haters have "Friday, friday, friday.." burned into their brains.

Mission accomplished, you annoying 14 year old. At 14 i was focused on looking cute in gym class..and at 14 youre a youtube sensation because you are an embarrassment to society.

Cheers!
-Me

Dear Drunken Idiot,

You are a moron... as if your snowflake tatoo on your bicep didn't already allude to that fact. You are smelly, and asking for hugs from women while intoxicated is pathetic. you are a whole difference race of stupid. AND... you are only 18... better watch out when i turn you in. idiot.

Grossed out,
-Me

Dear Army Man,

I do not regret calling you an 'awful person' and a 'poor excuse for a man.
do you blame me? do you remember our conversation?

me: hey would you like to donate to japan?
him: i'm an american. so no.
me: youre kidding right
him: why would i donate to the japanese? did they ever help us? no. why waste my money
me: you are awful. there are already 15,000 people dead over there. you wont even donate to help their families?
him: no. i love america, id donate to americans. i dont care about other people, especially the japanese. why would i donate my money to them when i could donate to starving kids here in MY country?
me: well have you?
him: well no. i'm in the army though and i do what i do for America
me: its sad we have people like you representing our country. seriously. i'm sad about it.
him: i dont frickin care
me: you are a poor excuse for a man. and an awful person.


You are lucky i didnt act on the thoughts in my mind right then. i wanted to slap you across the face, knee you, and kick you in the weenie. possibly stab your heart out. oh wait, nope. no heart there.

I hope you have fun being hateful the rest of your life.

Sincerely,
Me

p.s... youre an ugly ginger

p.s. again I DONT EVEN FEEL BAD FOR BEING VERY UNLADY LIKE TO YOU.

Dear Charlie Sheen...

I feel like... if someone were to upen up your brain, they would find very few braincells riding around on a dragon carousel drinking tigers blood while screaming jibberish nonsense to their fellow neighbor braincells. Maybe they are shaking a tambourine or two in your head. Maybe there is a marching band cooking pot filled brownies on your deteriorating brain and the stove is burning their faces off while at it. faceless, high braincells.


WINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rofl,
Me

Dear Little Boy in the Grocery Line,

Being obnoxious on purpose; I get it. youre 6.
....poking my butt twice in line at the check-out stand with your skinny little finger?
The only reason i didn't turn around and say something is because i'm really sure your red-neck mother would have smacked you.

Suprised, Mildly Offended and Amused,
-Me

Dear Justin Bieber,

You are ruining the world.
Your hair flip, baby faced fever is taking over every country in the WOOORRLLDD.
What will happen when you go through puberty?

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Arizona Man,

I rofled when i read your news story on ksl.
"I was going to overdose on heroin and then be bear food"
hahahahha. shoot up heroin.. then go out like a champ in yellowstone huh?
hmm. well, this is only ok since youre a convicted runaway murderer.
I'll help drench you in honey?

Sincerely,
Me

Dear 2011,

Please be good to me. Please send me to Europe or another awesome country... and get me a STELLAR paying job and please send me lots of money so i can pay for school and maybe a shirt or two. Let me get SUPER tan in the summer so I can go back to Hawaii and fit in with the natives. Teach me how to be crafty, 2011, so i can feel accomplished and domestic. Also, please make my committment issues go away, and magically make my decision making powers appear, because 2010 was full of wishy-washiness. I plan to come back to you in 2012, and i hope you have bestowed upon me at least 3 of these things, if i'm good. Thanks 2011.

Hopefully,
-Me

PS you could throw in a DSLR i've been wanting for 5 years but dont have the guts to buy it.

PS again, if i don't lose 20 pounds, i'm swearing you off and don't ever expect to get a letter from me again.

Dear Neighbors,

It is not socially appropriate to be welding your pitchfork in the nighttime hours. Nor is it appropriate to walk around with your welding mask on, like a psycho killer such as Jason. And why do you even have a pitchfork? Also, you are lucky that i didnt let all those pigeons loose you had in that little cage. PETA woulda been proud of me.

Oh, one more thing, girls down stairs, if you blast "things i'll never say" by avril (or anyother girl-power punk rock song alike) EVER again at 10 in the morning... you will get more than a 16 mean stomps from upstairs.

Thats a promise,
-Me