Dear Chubby Chinese Waterboy,

Thanks for getting me a drink of water from the team stash of dixie cups and tap water. I guess my wink worked for your 7-year old self, eh eh?

Love,
-Me

Dear Scooter Girls,

When you ride the scooter up the hilln to campus, its super annoying when you weave in and out of all the students carrying their heavy-laden satchels up that awful hill. Its especially annoying when you yell to your fellow scooter gang -"o0000oo no wayyyttee! saraaAAAHHH! girl you're going too fast! wwo0o0o0oahh! OMG! (*giggle giggle giggle*)"

gag.

But the worst: when you wear your black 6 inch hooker boots AND still come to campus on your razor scooter.

Bless your hearts,
-Me

Dear Toolbags of Logan, UT...

If you are going to be completely tactless in your necklaces, spiked hair and shizzed out cars, at least have some more decency than being the guy that hits on girls while you are alone at the pool working on your tan and listening to the 'good girls gone bad' song. If i had it my way, you get one choice of tool to limit the doucheness of the city of Logan.. It goes as follows:

1. Car that you pimped out on MTV
2. Daily activity involving 3-4 hours at the gym
3. Time spent in the mirror
4. Number of necklaces you wear
5. How you say the word "YYYyyyeeaaaaAA"
6.  Poor personality
7. Public behavior
8. Any goal to work at Hollister or Ambercrombie and Fitch
9. Decibles of the bass in your pimped out car
10. How many 'bikini pool parties' you throw

Pick your poison.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Miley,

I liked you better when you wore that wig on the disney channel, and still had a very noticable "ish" shpeech impediment.
Why have you gone down the road to Sluttymcslutville?
You pole danced at the teen choice awards. yikes. You walk around in brittany-attire. (pre mid-twenties crisis, of course)
And Billy Ray? I wish you could say you are breaking his achy breaky heart with shaming yourself publicly, because that would be just.. well.. plain witty! but no. You get a standing ovation from daddy when you pull stunts like that on national television. Personally, I think someone should call child services on that situation.

And so it begins. You go down the slipperly slide of stardom in hollywood. I'll be looking for your future appearance on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew someday.

Cheers,
-Me

P.S. As for your best friend Leslie? Poor girl...
You're just bein' Miley!

Dear Chester,

So glad you were making your rounds at Wal-mart when the black out happened.
Next time try picking up ladies of your own age? Maybe 60 or 70? They probably will think that getting into an old rusty truck with a toothless man who compliments you out the nose WOULD be the lucid thing to do.

Thanks but no thanks,
-Me

Dear Heartbreak,

Alas, we meet again. You have forced me to put on my sappy breakup man hating playlist once more. That really chaps my hide, you know that?

So he loved another the whole time....you knew what was coming for me! you greedy little son-of-a... rub your little heartbreak hands together why dont you and laugh at me!?!? You've visited me about 3 times in the past little while, and i am sick of seeing your face. You have done none other than driven me to listen to AVRIL LAVIGNE songs!!! What respectable woman in her twenties wallows in teen-punk rock break up ballads!?

Heartbreak, i wish you'd just leave me alone. right about now i feel like shoving a sandwhich down your throat and making you choke on it. or maybe have a bee fly in your mouth and sting you. or hey, go mariokart your way down the street and let Bowser pummel you with a red shell. or you could kindly leave and don't let the door hit ya on the way out, because you owe me that.

No peace and No blessins,
-Me

P.S. i will break out the Cruciatus and/or Sectumsepra spell if you come round here again. I'm sure i could arrange somethin with Volde if you're feelin brave.

Dear Dolphins,

I have never seen you up close.
You freak me out when you give birth on Animal Planet.
However, I will be spending alot of time with you this summer.
Please keep your tiny teeth away from me, and your bottle nose an appropriate distance away from any vital organs of mine you might be tempted to take a poke at.

Sincerely,
-Me

Dear Prince Charming,

I think its around that time where you should show up in my life.
I appreciate you holding out on me, its kept me on my toes.
But seriously, ya wanna pick it up a little?
I'M ONLY YOUNG FOR SO LONG!!!!!
Bump into me at a restaurant or something.
Hold the door for me somewhere.
I DONT CARE.
just show up.
thanks sweetie!


Always Yours,
-Me

Dear Sophomore Year,

Thanks for all the idiot boyfriends you gave me.
And thanks for making me gain the freshman 15 back.
You're a real gem, you know that?

Pissed,
-Me

Dear Nadeene,

hello little fat girl that lives inside me.

i hate that you stay around for weeks at a time when the semester is coming to an end. you just love to ruin my life around finals time, don't you? as if calculating numbers in my stats class wasn't enough, you just make me weigh myself alllllll the time to figure out how many 20 pound infants i'll have to lose before our next encounter where you'll ruin my life once more. at least stop making me visit the aggie quickstop in between classes for a sugar load-up!?!? frick. you're the worst.
a worthy opponent, you are.


hate hate hate loath entirely,
-me