Dear Little Boy in the Grocery Line,

Being obnoxious on purpose; I get it. youre 6.
....poking my butt twice in line at the check-out stand with your skinny little finger?
The only reason i didn't turn around and say something is because i'm really sure your red-neck mother would have smacked you.

Suprised, Mildly Offended and Amused,
-Me

Dear Justin Bieber,

You are ruining the world.
Your hair flip, baby faced fever is taking over every country in the WOOORRLLDD.
What will happen when you go through puberty?

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Arizona Man,

I rofled when i read your news story on ksl.
"I was going to overdose on heroin and then be bear food"
hahahahha. shoot up heroin.. then go out like a champ in yellowstone huh?
hmm. well, this is only ok since youre a convicted runaway murderer.
I'll help drench you in honey?

Sincerely,
Me

Dear 2011,

Please be good to me. Please send me to Europe or another awesome country... and get me a STELLAR paying job and please send me lots of money so i can pay for school and maybe a shirt or two. Let me get SUPER tan in the summer so I can go back to Hawaii and fit in with the natives. Teach me how to be crafty, 2011, so i can feel accomplished and domestic. Also, please make my committment issues go away, and magically make my decision making powers appear, because 2010 was full of wishy-washiness. I plan to come back to you in 2012, and i hope you have bestowed upon me at least 3 of these things, if i'm good. Thanks 2011.

Hopefully,
-Me

PS you could throw in a DSLR i've been wanting for 5 years but dont have the guts to buy it.

PS again, if i don't lose 20 pounds, i'm swearing you off and don't ever expect to get a letter from me again.

Dear Neighbors,

It is not socially appropriate to be welding your pitchfork in the nighttime hours. Nor is it appropriate to walk around with your welding mask on, like a psycho killer such as Jason. And why do you even have a pitchfork? Also, you are lucky that i didnt let all those pigeons loose you had in that little cage. PETA woulda been proud of me.

Oh, one more thing, girls down stairs, if you blast "things i'll never say" by avril (or anyother girl-power punk rock song alike) EVER again at 10 in the morning... you will get more than a 16 mean stomps from upstairs.

Thats a promise,
-Me

Dear Chubby Chinese Waterboy,

Thanks for getting me a drink of water from the team stash of dixie cups and tap water. I guess my wink worked for your 7-year old self, eh eh?

Love,
-Me

Dear Scooter Girls,

When you ride the scooter up the hilln to campus, its super annoying when you weave in and out of all the students carrying their heavy-laden satchels up that awful hill. Its especially annoying when you yell to your fellow scooter gang -"o0000oo no wayyyttee! saraaAAAHHH! girl you're going too fast! wwo0o0o0oahh! OMG! (*giggle giggle giggle*)"

gag.

But the worst: when you wear your black 6 inch hooker boots AND still come to campus on your razor scooter.

Bless your hearts,
-Me

Dear Toolbags of Logan, UT...

If you are going to be completely tactless in your necklaces, spiked hair and shizzed out cars, at least have some more decency than being the guy that hits on girls while you are alone at the pool working on your tan and listening to the 'good girls gone bad' song. If i had it my way, you get one choice of tool to limit the doucheness of the city of Logan.. It goes as follows:

1. Car that you pimped out on MTV
2. Daily activity involving 3-4 hours at the gym
3. Time spent in the mirror
4. Number of necklaces you wear
5. How you say the word "YYYyyyeeaaaaAA"
6.  Poor personality
7. Public behavior
8. Any goal to work at Hollister or Ambercrombie and Fitch
9. Decibles of the bass in your pimped out car
10. How many 'bikini pool parties' you throw

Pick your poison.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Miley,

I liked you better when you wore that wig on the disney channel, and still had a very noticable "ish" shpeech impediment.
Why have you gone down the road to Sluttymcslutville?
You pole danced at the teen choice awards. yikes. You walk around in brittany-attire. (pre mid-twenties crisis, of course)
And Billy Ray? I wish you could say you are breaking his achy breaky heart with shaming yourself publicly, because that would be just.. well.. plain witty! but no. You get a standing ovation from daddy when you pull stunts like that on national television. Personally, I think someone should call child services on that situation.

And so it begins. You go down the slipperly slide of stardom in hollywood. I'll be looking for your future appearance on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew someday.

Cheers,
-Me

P.S. As for your best friend Leslie? Poor girl...
You're just bein' Miley!

Dear Chester,

So glad you were making your rounds at Wal-mart when the black out happened.
Next time try picking up ladies of your own age? Maybe 60 or 70? They probably will think that getting into an old rusty truck with a toothless man who compliments you out the nose WOULD be the lucid thing to do.

Thanks but no thanks,
-Me