Dear Miley,

I liked you better when you wore that wig on the disney channel, and still had a very noticable "ish" shpeech impediment.
Why have you gone down the road to Sluttymcslutville?
You pole danced at the teen choice awards. yikes. You walk around in brittany-attire. (pre mid-twenties crisis, of course)
And Billy Ray? I wish you could say you are breaking his achy breaky heart with shaming yourself publicly, because that would be just.. well.. plain witty! but no. You get a standing ovation from daddy when you pull stunts like that on national television. Personally, I think someone should call child services on that situation.

And so it begins. You go down the slipperly slide of stardom in hollywood. I'll be looking for your future appearance on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew someday.

Cheers,
-Me

P.S. As for your best friend Leslie? Poor girl...
You're just bein' Miley!

Dear Chester,

So glad you were making your rounds at Wal-mart when the black out happened.
Next time try picking up ladies of your own age? Maybe 60 or 70? They probably will think that getting into an old rusty truck with a toothless man who compliments you out the nose WOULD be the lucid thing to do.

Thanks but no thanks,
-Me

Dear Heartbreak,

Alas, we meet again. You have forced me to put on my sappy breakup man hating playlist once more. That really chaps my hide, you know that?

So he loved another the whole time....you knew what was coming for me! you greedy little son-of-a... rub your little heartbreak hands together why dont you and laugh at me!?!? You've visited me about 3 times in the past little while, and i am sick of seeing your face. You have done none other than driven me to listen to AVRIL LAVIGNE songs!!! What respectable woman in her twenties wallows in teen-punk rock break up ballads!?

Heartbreak, i wish you'd just leave me alone. right about now i feel like shoving a sandwhich down your throat and making you choke on it. or maybe have a bee fly in your mouth and sting you. or hey, go mariokart your way down the street and let Bowser pummel you with a red shell. or you could kindly leave and don't let the door hit ya on the way out, because you owe me that.

No peace and No blessins,
-Me

P.S. i will break out the Cruciatus and/or Sectumsepra spell if you come round here again. I'm sure i could arrange somethin with Volde if you're feelin brave.

Dear Dolphins,

I have never seen you up close.
You freak me out when you give birth on Animal Planet.
However, I will be spending alot of time with you this summer.
Please keep your tiny teeth away from me, and your bottle nose an appropriate distance away from any vital organs of mine you might be tempted to take a poke at.

Sincerely,
-Me

Dear Prince Charming,

I think its around that time where you should show up in my life.
I appreciate you holding out on me, its kept me on my toes.
But seriously, ya wanna pick it up a little?
I'M ONLY YOUNG FOR SO LONG!!!!!
Bump into me at a restaurant or something.
Hold the door for me somewhere.
I DONT CARE.
just show up.
thanks sweetie!


Always Yours,
-Me

Dear Sophomore Year,

Thanks for all the idiot boyfriends you gave me.
And thanks for making me gain the freshman 15 back.
You're a real gem, you know that?

Pissed,
-Me

Dear Nadeene,

hello little fat girl that lives inside me.

i hate that you stay around for weeks at a time when the semester is coming to an end. you just love to ruin my life around finals time, don't you? as if calculating numbers in my stats class wasn't enough, you just make me weigh myself alllllll the time to figure out how many 20 pound infants i'll have to lose before our next encounter where you'll ruin my life once more. at least stop making me visit the aggie quickstop in between classes for a sugar load-up!?!? frick. you're the worst.
a worthy opponent, you are.


hate hate hate loath entirely,
-me

Dear Girl,

I hope that somehow, someway and someday soon you recieve this letter. because trust me, in a few weeks you'd have wished that you had read it. I just wanted to inform you....
HE IS A MAN-HO AND IS GOING TO BREAK YOUR HEART SO RUN WHILE YOU CAN BEFORE HE PUTS HIS SPELL ON YOU, YOU SILLY GIRL! he only wants to kiss you. its not like he wants to be your boyfriend or anything. and if he says he wants to be your boyfriend, he is lying. lets be real. the only girlfriend he has is his boyfriend that looks back at him in the mirror everyday with that blue collared hollister shirt on. sweetheart, hes a player with a capital D for douche.

trust. me. on. this. one, okay blondie? i've been there done that! its just a matter of time my friend. hes a COWBOY CASANOVA. he's a devil in disguise. a snake with blue eyes, if you will. and he only comes out at night.

you better run for your life,
-Me

p.s... thanks carrie underwood for your inspiring words of wisdom.

Dear Homie,

I do not appreciate being called out infront of large groups of people when I am innocently keeping to myself and walking to class, minding my own business.
I especially do not like having attention brought to me by someone shouting rather loudly, the classy phrase:
"hey yo girl!"

And most of all, I think that a boy of your pasty complexion and miniscule stature has no place even uttering those words.
If you're gonna act like a G, at least be taller and older than Justin Beiber.

Thanks,
-Me

Dear Ricky Martin,

I hate to break this news to you, but everyone already knew you were gay.
Way to come out Ricky boy, but i mean... if your tight shirts and leather pants weren't enough, 'Livin la Vida Loca' sure opened up that closet you were hiding in.
All of our gaydars have definitely been pointing to you for the past 10 years.

Godspeed,
-Me