To Whom It May Concern

Dear new upstairs neighbor,

2012-01-10T00:23:00.000-07:00

Why is it I have such bad luck with upstairs neighbors? I know not. However, I do know I'd take grizzly snoring man over you ANY DAY.

I have never felt so awkward in my life and if these NOISY nights don't stop, your brothel of a bedroom will be getting loud knocks from the floor below, mid-activity, mind you. Honey badger dont care. I'll do it. I promise, I really will if you dont keep your hanky-panky noise down!!! Thanks.

Wishing for the first time i went to BYU and Almost in tears due to sheer naive girlish terror,
-me

Ps you just ruined my life.

Dear Drive-Thru Kid,

2011-11-05T02:19:00.000-06:00

Just because i come and order a 'chocolate cookie dough shake with extra cookie dough' and sound like a frantic obese person via drive thru speaker.....does NOT mean you should expect me to be feeding more than myself and hand me my ginormo shake with two spoons.

one spoon, buddy boy. uno.

look of shock when you realize that yes, its JUST me in the car ordering that huge thing? slightly offensive but classic.

Ever since i realized a Jake's Over the Top still existed and that it just so happened to be across the street from McKay-Dee......i've only been coming once a week for 3 months now every Thursday. You should know by now.
So what if my theighs rub together when i walk?
Cookie dough is my derek. I am meredith..and cookie dough is my derek. okay!?
WHY DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!?

One spoon next time, kid..or you get my fist,
-Me

Dear Vicious Snorer Neighbor

2011-10-10T01:14:00.000-06:00

I'm legitely concerned for your health. Do you have a breathing problem? By the sounds of your large, furry mammal-like 'ggngnhhhh and gunnnuuuuh', your throat must look like raw meat. You also must be in the upper righthand corner of our building, if i am correct. Its actually quite impressive that your snoring is carrying this far. Your poor, poor roommates!

Im going to try to go to sleep in the next few hours... so i'd appreciate it if you muffled your bearcalls with a pillow. THAT..or..get a breathing strip..a snoring ring..plug your nose... plug your mouth. Try something..because if you don't, imma bout to come up there and do something about it.

(and by the looks of your front porch, i'm gonna have to bring a bat to keep myself safe if i step inside your house. So, don't think i'm a burgalar...just an annoyed neighbor with a bat k.)

neighborly love,
-Me

Dear Everyone at My Highschool,

2011-07-11T00:37:00.000-06:00

Is it necessary to marry eachother? Must we intertwine our genes together? Can you not fish in a more diverse pond? I don't understand. Did all the best potential spouses just so HAPPEN to go to the very same highschool? And if so, WHY DIDNT ANYONE INFORM ME UNTIL NOW? Is it that everyone goes searching elsewhere but just so happens to go flip through the old yearbook and find their future husband/wife?
I dont know.

BUT.
it does bring me joy/kicks and giggles to see on facebook that the girl from english class is marrying that one kid who used to make out with his girlfriend in the 1100 hall... Or it makes me laugh that the one cheerleader ended up with the one she never even knew existed but had known her for years. OR how about the girl who stole that boy away from me who ended up marrying that kid down the street. or what about that nice girl marrying the funny boy who graduated 6 years earlier, whom she didnt even know existed?

Ahh.. where does life take us? Back to the north and south parking lots of highschool, thats where.

I may as well just go sit there with my thumb out and see if any potential spouses will pick me up.

Thanks for the laughs- DHS class of 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09,
-Me

Dear Lady GaGa,

2011-06-23T00:26:00.002-06:00

Are you a male, or female?

Sincerely,
-Me

Dear Blaine Warbler,

2011-05-26T00:17:00.000-06:00

You make me swoon.
(minus you look like one of my ex boyfriends whom i wish to forget..)
But nonetheless, SWOON.
You are my teenage dream.

It doesnt matter if youre gay on tv.....right? I hope youre not gay in real life...cuz I found out Jesse St. James is gay in real life and it sorta crushed me... But after I did a little youtube research..maybe you ARE gay in real life, because you became famous for covering disney songs, such as 'part of your world' and 'lets get down to business'.
Thats super embarrassing on your part. But I guess I can look past that because you are soooo frickin' adorable!

Ardently wishing your true sexuality is straight-as-a-board,
-Me

Dear Ghetto Smoker Girls,

2011-05-16T20:44:00.000-06:00

My air vent from downstairs that is leaking hotely/smokey/musty smell isn't fooling anyone.
You.......are.........sooo HUFFIN AND PUFFIN! and so caught.

So, the way i see it... you have two options:
1: Stop smoking and smelling up my house and live your life cancer-free
2: Wait till karma comes around and end up like the lady on tv with the hole in her throat..and be ready to sound like a robot the rest of your life
3: Get tattled on by ME.

I'm thinking option 3 is the best right now. Sorry that your unhealthy habits are forcing me to act like my older sister, the tattle tale queen.

If I smell your nasty ghetto apartment smoke again, you bet your BUTT i'm gonna dial up landy-lords number in .342 seconds. I'd advise you puttin those cigs out soon, friends.

Sorry but not sorry- but i'll totally laugh if i see you on tv with a hole in your throat,
-Me

Dear Kardashian Sisters,

2011-04-14T00:49:00.000-06:00

Most of you are so foul. and crass. and say VERY inappropriate things. Your dresses are too tight, and you wear WAYYYY too much makeup. And why do all of you have shows? Is it just because your dad was a famous lawyer way back when? I hate those high pitch voices you use when you are trying to look cute. But guess what?

I'M SOOOOOOO YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!!!

I watch all your shows. Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim and Kourtney take New York, and Klohe & Lamar! I love all of you too much.

Obsessed,
-Me

Dear Rebecca Black,

2011-03-31T22:57:00.000-06:00

For you.. i have only a few things to say:

1. In your youtube sensation "Friday", i hope you know people are watching it because its so awful.

2. If the literal pain a dog feels when it is getting nuetered had a sound, your voice would be it.

3. 'gotta wake up gotta get my cereal gotta go to the bus stop theres my friends front seat back seat which seat will i take'....cool lyrics dummy. You have the i.q. of frozen yogurt.

4. Congratulations, because no matter what.. haters have "Friday, friday, friday.." burned into their brains.

Mission accomplished, you annoying 14 year old. At 14 i was focused on looking cute in gym class..and at 14 youre a youtube sensation because you are an embarrassment to society.

Cheers!
-Me

Dear Drunken Idiot,

2011-03-27T23:28:00.001-06:00

You are a moron... as if your snowflake tatoo on your bicep didn't already allude to that fact. You are smelly, and asking for hugs from women while intoxicated is pathetic. you are a whole difference race of stupid. AND... you are only 18... better watch out when i turn you in. idiot.

Grossed out,
-Me

Dear Army Man,

2011-03-21T00:42:00.000-06:00

I do not regret calling you an 'awful person' and a 'poor excuse for a man.
do you blame me? do you remember our conversation?

me: hey would you like to donate to japan?
him: i'm an american. so no.
me: youre kidding right
him: why would i donate to the japanese? did they ever help us? no. why waste my money
me: you are awful. there are already 15,000 people dead over there. you wont even donate to help their families?
him: no. i love america, id donate to americans. i dont care about other people, especially the japanese. why would i donate my money to them when i could donate to starving kids here in MY country?
me: well have you?
him: well no. i'm in the army though and i do what i do for America
me: its sad we have people like you representing our country. seriously. i'm sad about it.
him: i dont frickin care
me: you are a poor excuse for a man. and an awful person.

You are lucky i didnt act on the thoughts in my mind right then. i wanted to slap you across the face, knee you, and kick you in the weenie. possibly stab your heart out. oh wait, nope. no heart there.

I hope you have fun being hateful the rest of your life.

Sincerely,
Me

p.s... youre an ugly ginger

p.s. again I DONT EVEN FEEL BAD FOR BEING VERY UNLADY LIKE TO YOU.

Dear Charlie Sheen...

2011-03-13T01:05:00.000-07:00

I feel like... if someone were to upen up your brain, they would find very few braincells riding around on a dragon carousel drinking tigers blood while screaming jibberish nonsense to their fellow neighbor braincells. Maybe they are shaking a tambourine or two in your head. Maybe there is a marching band cooking pot filled brownies on your deteriorating brain and the stove is burning their faces off while at it. faceless, high braincells.

WINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rofl,
Me

Dear Little Boy in the Grocery Line,

2011-02-24T03:14:00.000-07:00

Being obnoxious on purpose; I get it. youre 6.
....poking my butt twice in line at the check-out stand with your skinny little finger?
The only reason i didn't turn around and say something is because i'm really sure your red-neck mother would have smacked you.

Suprised, Mildly Offended and Amused,
-Me

Dear Justin Bieber,

2011-02-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

You are ruining the world.
Your hair flip, baby faced fever is taking over every country in the WOOORRLLDD.
What will happen when you go through puberty?

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Arizona Man,

2011-01-30T01:29:00.000-07:00

I rofled when i read your news story on ksl.
"I was going to overdose on heroin and then be bear food"
hahahahha. shoot up heroin.. then go out like a champ in yellowstone huh?
hmm. well, this is only ok since youre a convicted runaway murderer.
I'll help drench you in honey?

Sincerely,
Me

Dear 2011,

2011-01-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

Please be good to me. Please send me to Europe or another awesome country... and get me a STELLAR paying job and please send me lots of money so i can pay for school and maybe a shirt or two. Let me get SUPER tan in the summer so I can go back to Hawaii and fit in with the natives. Teach me how to be crafty, 2011, so i can feel accomplished and domestic. Also, please make my committment issues go away, and magically make my decision making powers appear, because 2010 was full of wishy-washiness. I plan to come back to you in 2012, and i hope you have bestowed upon me at least 3 of these things, if i'm good. Thanks 2011.

Hopefully,
-Me

PS you could throw in a DSLR i've been wanting for 5 years but dont have the guts to buy it.

PS again, if i don't lose 20 pounds, i'm swearing you off and don't ever expect to get a letter from me again.

Dear Neighbors,

2010-12-16T00:40:00.001-07:00

It is not socially appropriate to be welding your pitchfork in the nighttime hours. Nor is it appropriate to walk around with your welding mask on, like a psycho killer such as Jason. And why do you even have a pitchfork? Also, you are lucky that i didnt let all those pigeons loose you had in that little cage. PETA woulda been proud of me.

Oh, one more thing, girls down stairs, if you blast "things i'll never say" by avril (or anyother girl-power punk rock song alike) EVER again at 10 in the morning... you will get more than a 16 mean stomps from upstairs.

Thats a promise,
-Me

Dear Chubby Chinese Waterboy,

2010-11-28T22:48:00.002-07:00

Thanks for getting me a drink of water from the team stash of dixie cups and tap water. I guess my wink worked for your 7-year old self, eh eh?

Love,
-Me

Dear Scooter Girls,

2010-11-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

When you ride the scooter up the hilln to campus, its super annoying when you weave in and out of all the students carrying their heavy-laden satchels up that awful hill. Its especially annoying when you yell to your fellow scooter gang -"o0000oo no wayyyttee! saraaAAAHHH! girl you're going too fast! wwo0o0o0oahh! OMG! (*giggle giggle giggle*)"

gag.

But the worst: when you wear your black 6 inch hooker boots AND still come to campus on your razor scooter.

Bless your hearts,
-Me

Dear Toolbags of Logan, UT...

2010-09-18T00:04:00.000-06:00

If you are going to be completely tactless in your necklaces, spiked hair and shizzed out cars, at least have some more decency than being the guy that hits on girls while you are alone at the pool working on your tan and listening to the 'good girls gone bad' song. If i had it my way, you get one choice of tool to limit the doucheness of the city of Logan.. It goes as follows:

1. Car that you pimped out on MTV
2. Daily activity involving 3-4 hours at the gym
3. Time spent in the mirror
4. Number of necklaces you wear
5. How you say the word "YYYyyyeeaaaaAA"
6. Poor personality
7. Public behavior
8. Any goal to work at Hollister or Ambercrombie and Fitch
9. Decibles of the bass in your pimped out car
10. How many 'bikini pool parties' you throw

Pick your poison.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Miley,

2010-07-16T02:53:00.002-06:00

I liked you better when you wore that wig on the disney channel, and still had a very noticable "ish" shpeech impediment.
Why have you gone down the road to Sluttymcslutville?
You pole danced at the teen choice awards. yikes. You walk around in brittany-attire. (pre mid-twenties crisis, of course)
And Billy Ray? I wish you could say you are breaking his achy breaky heart with shaming yourself publicly, because that would be just.. well.. plain witty! but no. You get a standing ovation from daddy when you pull stunts like that on national television. Personally, I think someone should call child services on that situation.

And so it begins. You go down the slipperly slide of stardom in hollywood. I'll be looking for your future appearance on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew someday.

Cheers,
-Me

P.S. As for your best friend Leslie? Poor girl...
You're just bein' Miley!

Dear Chester,

2010-07-10T01:31:00.001-06:00

So glad you were making your rounds at Wal-mart when the black out happened.
Next time try picking up ladies of your own age? Maybe 60 or 70? They probably will think that getting into an old rusty truck with a toothless man who compliments you out the nose WOULD be the lucid thing to do.

Thanks but no thanks,
-Me

Dear Heartbreak,

2010-05-25T00:55:00.002-06:00

Alas, we meet again. You have forced me to put on my sappy breakup man hating playlist once more. That really chaps my hide, you know that?

So he loved another the whole time....you knew what was coming for me! you greedy little son-of-a... rub your little heartbreak hands together why dont you and laugh at me!?!? You've visited me about 3 times in the past little while, and i am sick of seeing your face. You have done none other than driven me to listen to AVRIL LAVIGNE songs!!! What respectable woman in her twenties wallows in teen-punk rock break up ballads!?

Heartbreak, i wish you'd just leave me alone. right about now i feel like shoving a sandwhich down your throat and making you choke on it. or maybe have a bee fly in your mouth and sting you. or hey, go mariokart your way down the street and let Bowser pummel you with a red shell. or you could kindly leave and don't let the door hit ya on the way out, because you owe me that.

No peace and No blessins,
-Me

P.S. i will break out the Cruciatus and/or Sectumsepra spell if you come round here again. I'm sure i could arrange somethin with Volde if you're feelin brave.

Dear Dolphins,

2010-05-19T01:21:00.002-06:00

I have never seen you up close.
You freak me out when you give birth on Animal Planet.
However, I will be spending alot of time with you this summer.
Please keep your tiny teeth away from me, and your bottle nose an appropriate distance away from any vital organs of mine you might be tempted to take a poke at.

Sincerely,
-Me

Dear Prince Charming,

2010-05-11T01:55:00.002-06:00

I think its around that time where you should show up in my life.
I appreciate you holding out on me, its kept me on my toes.
But seriously, ya wanna pick it up a little?
I'M ONLY YOUNG FOR SO LONG!!!!!
Bump into me at a restaurant or something.
Hold the door for me somewhere.
I DONT CARE.
just show up.
thanks sweetie!

Always Yours,
-Me

Dear Sophomore Year,

2010-05-10T15:49:00.002-06:00

Thanks for all the idiot boyfriends you gave me.
And thanks for making me gain the freshman 15 back.
You're a real gem, you know that?

Pissed,
-Me

Dear Nadeene,

2010-05-03T02:58:00.000-06:00

hello little fat girl that lives inside me.

i hate that you stay around for weeks at a time when the semester is coming to an end. you just love to ruin my life around finals time, don't you? as if calculating numbers in my stats class wasn't enough, you just make me weigh myself alllllll the time to figure out how many 20 pound infants i'll have to lose before our next encounter where you'll ruin my life once more. at least stop making me visit the aggie quickstop in between classes for a sugar load-up!?!? frick. you're the worst.
a worthy opponent, you are.

hate hate hate loath entirely,
-me

Dear Girl,

2010-04-22T02:59:00.000-06:00

I hope that somehow, someway and someday soon you recieve this letter. because trust me, in a few weeks you'd have wished that you had read it. I just wanted to inform you....
HE IS A MAN-HO AND IS GOING TO BREAK YOUR HEART SO RUN WHILE YOU CAN BEFORE HE PUTS HIS SPELL ON YOU, YOU SILLY GIRL! he only wants to kiss you. its not like he wants to be your boyfriend or anything. and if he says he wants to be your boyfriend, he is lying. lets be real. the only girlfriend he has is his boyfriend that looks back at him in the mirror everyday with that blue collared hollister shirt on. sweetheart, hes a player with a capital D for douche.

trust. me. on. this. one, okay blondie? i've been there done that! its just a matter of time my friend. hes a COWBOY CASANOVA. he's a devil in disguise. a snake with blue eyes, if you will. and he only comes out at night.

you better run for your life,
-Me

p.s... thanks carrie underwood for your inspiring words of wisdom.

Dear Homie,

2010-04-07T00:49:00.000-06:00

I do not appreciate being called out infront of large groups of people when I am innocently keeping to myself and walking to class, minding my own business.
I especially do not like having attention brought to me by someone shouting rather loudly, the classy phrase:
"hey yo girl!"

And most of all, I think that a boy of your pasty complexion and miniscule stature has no place even uttering those words.
If you're gonna act like a G, at least be taller and older than Justin Beiber.

Thanks,
-Me

Dear Ricky Martin,

2010-04-01T14:43:00.000-06:00

I hate to break this news to you, but everyone already knew you were gay.
Way to come out Ricky boy, but i mean... if your tight shirts and leather pants weren't enough, 'Livin la Vida Loca' sure opened up that closet you were hiding in.
All of our gaydars have definitely been pointing to you for the past 10 years.

Godspeed,
-Me

Dear Marriage Fairy,

2010-03-31T16:21:00.000-06:00

Quit stealing my friends.
I know you mean well, but you are breaking my haaaaaahhhrrrtt.
Quit droppin diamonds like it aint no thing.
Or least take a few years off. Go on a vacay. Go crazy.
Over and Out.

Peace and Blessings,
-Me

Dear Bus Driver,

2010-03-25T00:08:00.000-06:00

Oh, you again. Not only did we smile at eachother today, but we both asked how the other one was at the exact same time, so an absolutely adorable awkwardness radiated from the aggie shuttle. Ahhhh. Love.

Creepily,
Me

Dear USU students,

2010-03-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hello. You know our awesome library? The good ol Merrill-Cazier? Yeah. That place.
Well, if you didn't know, that place is a place of studying. And quiet. And books. And cozy homework spots. And occasional facebook/drink/bathroom breaks.
However, it is NOT a place for making out, sitting on eachothers laps inappropriately, or youtubing Lion King videos.

That is all.

Maturely,
-Me

Dear Monday/Wednesday Bus driver,

2010-03-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

Thanks for being so friendly today when i got up enough courage to say a few more words than just 'hi'.
You are adorable.
And maybe next time our conversation will be like.. 2 or 3 sentences? yahtzee!

I'm shooting for the moon,
-Me

Dear Shawn White,

2010-02-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

You are hideous.
But your amazing athlete complex makes you strangely sexy...
Evn though people mistake you for carrot-top.
And that little air guitar gig on the platform while you were gettin your medal?
KILLER!

you ROOOOOOCCCCKKK.

Respectfully Yours,
-Me

Dear Ex-boyfriend's Fiancee,

2010-02-21T17:08:00.000-07:00

Hey.. It was funny when you were my waitress the other day and you had no idea who i was...and little did you know, i've been facebook stalking you for quite some time now. Ha! Remember how it took him a year to wanna marry you? remember how it took him ten days to creepily tell me he wanted to marry me? HA! sweet vengeance is mine.

-Me

p.s.
i really think you are adorable and am secretly happy for the both of you. but don't tell him that.

Dear Boy,

2010-02-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry there wasn't enough room in our relationship for me, you, AND your big fat ego.

Truly and Sincerely,
-Me

Dear Man in the Elevator

2010-01-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

It is not socially acceptable to stand in someones comfort zone when there is plenty of space in the large elevator for you to creep in. It also is against every social norm to face your elevator-mate and directly stare at them the entire elevator ride. I have periphreal vision.
If I had a green goblin hanging out of my nose or something, you could have told me. Or maybe there was a spider in my hair. Either way, say something to me or keep your creepy stares to yourself.

Courteously,
-Me

Dear Miranda,

2010-01-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know you, nor do I want to get to know you after you joined our group today in social work and told us these stories whilst laughing. Talking about the time you had to kick a 'downsyndromed' kid in the face because he grabbed your leg while swimming, does NOT impress us nor does it make us want to be your friend. Telling us how terrified you are of 'them' makes me want to advise you to change your major...and it also makes me want to go tattle on you to Dr. Peak and let her know we have a complete moron applying for the program. That is all.

You are lucky I don't know where you sleep.

-Me

Dear Heidi Montag-Pratt,

2010-01-18T17:23:00.001-07:00

The other day as I was meandering my way through the walmart checkstand, and I saw this girl on the cover that had a strikingly similar face structure to that of michael jackson in the late 90's! And as I took a closer look, I saw that it was you! And so it begins. Your downward spiral. I'm excited to see just how far your skewed version of beauty will go. Bless your heart. Girlfriend, have you seen this picture?

other than the fact that it looks like your yabbos are about to jump out and attack me, and your nose could be used as a ski slope.. i'd say that your surgery wasn't TOO noticable. Spencer, get ready to be married to this in ten years..(rest in peace):

Very Concerned,
-Me

p.s. i think its funny that you are overshadowing the President of the United States on the cover of this magazine.

p.s. again, your husbands flesh-colored beard freaks me out.

Dear 2010,

2010-01-04T10:04:00.001-07:00

Be good to me. Find me a handsome boyfriend, help me lose the saddlebags i have on my theighs from eating nutella, get me a good paying job, help me climb down from the ugly tree and get back up the pretty hill that i slid down after the 8th grade, help me not be terrified of getting married, find me a good car and a puppy. Thanks.

Peace and blessings,
-Me

P.S. i wouldn't mind if you threw in a trip to Europe. Juuuuuust sayin.

Dear Cheetah Woods,

2009-12-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

Ah, you my friend have joined the DBAC! (Douche-Bags of America Club) Welcome! Your fellow members are:
-Jon Gosselin: President
-Jude Law: VP
-Usher: Treasurer
-A-rod: Secretary
-Spencer Pratt: Honorary Member
..and MANY more! So, welcome to the clan, good luck running away from the press till you are old and gray. Serves you right, sir..your career is over.

-Me

Dear Kobe,

2009-12-13T01:27:00.000-07:00

Thanks for being sick tonight so the jazz could hold out on the 12 game winning streak in the energy solutions arena. Sort of sucky that without you, your team is crap.. but..hey thanks for the good times. And, paying off the refs to call crap calls STILL didn't make us lose. Sorry.

I hope you didn't catch Aids... but i wouldn't be surprised if you did. Thats all.

Respectfully
-Me

Dear Creepy Boy,

2009-12-11T01:18:00.000-07:00

Quit 'accidentally' showing up at places that i just so happen to be at. You freak me out, and so does your flesh-colored goatee.

And you ate the relief society treats in sunday school and that bothered me. Bye.

Keeping my distance,
-Me

dear loved,

2009-12-07T01:33:00.000-07:00

i feel like words aren't enough to comfort you. i wish there was an explanation and i wish that your hurt would go away and i wish there were more definite answers to these sorts of things. i hope that if anything my prayers will be answered and that you will feel hope and the burdens will be lifted off your shoulders. we had a great lesson in sunday school about families being together forever and i know that its all truth. know you are loved and know that the ones you lost are eternally loved by our Heavenly Father.

-Me

Dear Kristen Stewart,

2009-11-30T01:05:00.001-07:00

I'm super fed-up with you and your breathing problems. Learn how to act. I dislike how you scream, and especially how you breathe. Sweetheart, breathing hard is not a character choice! Hyperventalating and having no emotion on your face is not a character choice, either. Thanks for ruining the vamp books for me. You piss me off, kristen stewart, and I'm quite convinced I could make a better 'bella' than you. Bless your heart, you are absolutely terrible.

Only trying to help,
-Me

Dear Tuesday/Wednesday Bus Driver,

2009-11-18T23:59:00.001-07:00

I'm in love with you and I swoon everytime I see you.

Love,
-Me

Dear Halloween,

2009-11-02T01:23:00.000-07:00

Hey, thanks for the great times yesterday. I sure did have fun. But, I think that you make things sorta slutty sometimes. You let girls dress up skanky and you allow body parts to hang from all sorts of places, ya know? And you make it possible for a whole dance floor to smell like sweaty butt. You were a ton funner when I was 6.

Thanks for the great times and letdowns,
-Me

Dear TMZ and OK magazine,

2009-10-21T22:31:00.000-06:00

Let Jon and Kate ruin their own lives. they are doing a pretty good job at it without your help, and don't need you putting it all over the magazine covers in walmart. Go focus on subjects like balloon boy or something.

And jon, you are the most immature son of a b that i've ever met. or seen. or watched in a reality television show.

sincerely,
-Me

Dear Tot-Mom,

2009-10-01T16:37:00.000-06:00

You make me sick. I hope you stay in prison for the next 300 years.

You're not worth an ending salutation,
-Me

Dear Kanye,

2009-09-19T21:49:00.001-06:00

No wonder you always wear those ugly shades..you are hiding the fact that YOU DON'T HAVE A SOUL. i do not know what posessed you to run up on stage at the vma's and intercept taylor swift's award and rudely inturrupt her speech..but i'm hoping it was alcohol induced or drug related. you have successfully lost your fan base of all girls ranging from age 13-19 years old. God bless beyonce for letting poor taylor finish her speech. She is pure, vuluptuous class. YOU on the other hand.. blaming your awful behavior on your mother's death? i understand you are hurt, but i don't buy it. She'd put a boot up your A for such awful behavior. Jeez. play nice Kanye, play nice.
Youre a trifling friend in deed.

Awfullest Regards,
-Me

Dear Ex,

2009-09-09T19:46:00.000-06:00

Running into you today was quite funny. Seeing you all over your girlfriend, not so funny. Stuffing my face after and drowning myself in sorrow; funny.

Hope to never see you again,
-Me

Dear Bad-A,

2009-09-03T23:52:00.000-06:00

If your fettish for sideways hats and sagged jean shorts didn't make me giggle enough, the smell of alcohol on your breath this morning sure did. Way to start thirsy thursday a bit early. Give your condolences to your liver for me.

Thanks for all the laughs,
-Me

Dear Sick and Twisted,

2009-08-26T18:57:00.000-06:00

I enjoy my Psychology class. What i do not enjoy, is sitting next to you. First of all, if your toe hair sticking out of your sick mandals wasnt enough, the way you mutter under your breath drives me insane. FYI, your creepy accent makes you sound like jafar when you talk, and i think you have pure evil running through your veins.

Talking about Milgrams Electric Shock experiment was really quite fascinating, even though it was sad to realize how many people in the world will follow orders even if it involves harming others. What was NOT fascinating and was actually quite disturbing, was hearing your evil little snicker when Professor Bates went into detail about what would happen when someone applied 600 volts of shock to the other person. You are entertained by others pain, are you not? Who sprinkled demon on your effing cheerios this morning!?!?!?

Hearing you LAUGH at the pictures he showed of people getting killed in various wars made me sick. Hearing you mumble.. "The last time i killed someone...". I'm glad i ignored you when you tried to comment to me. I'm glad i glared at you. I'm glad that I had enough restraint not to yell at you so that i would not cause a scene. You are a sick and twisted bastard. And if i wasn't positive you'd come after me, I would have slapped you so hard that you would have wet yourself.

Hatefully,
-Me

P.S. I am usually a nice, classy person. And i feel zero tolerance for tools like you.

P.S. again..If you ever.. and I mean EVER, try to sit by me again, I will castrate you. With a butter knife.

Dear Gosselin Kids,

2009-08-23T20:25:00.000-06:00

I truly feel so awful for you. You poor poor children. Not only do you have to share genes with Katezilla and Dirtbag Jon, but for the resssst of your life, you are going to end up in TMZ mag and US weekly. Its not your fault that Jon is attracted to slutty hoes, nor is it your fault that your mother has a few chemical issues that she needs resolved in therapy. So if i were you, I'd pack up your blankies and dollies and head out to the nearest road.. I think that hitchhiking your way to a new life would be the best outcome to this situation. Or, in a few years you could drive yourself over to the invitro specialist and give him a piece of your mind for allowing your parents to produce children. That could work too.

Bless your little hearts,
-Me

P.S. if your daddy marries that hoebag hailey, I would advise you to hire a hitman.

P.S. again, i hate you madi and i think that you caused the divorce. devil child.

Dear Boy Who Threw A Rock At My Window,

2009-08-21T21:03:00.000-06:00

Not cool. If you do this again, i'll come up with something else to scream out the window other than, "I'm married and pregnant, leave me alone!". And what i do yell will involve curse words. You are not a Jonas brother coming to serenade me. You are not prince charming. So leave me alone.

Thanks,
-Me

Dear NieNie

2009-08-21T01:07:00.000-06:00

Thank you for making me appreciate my blessed life. Thank you for making me appreciate every freckle on my face, and every imperfection i have. You're amazing.

Sincerely,
-Me.

nieniedialogues.blogspot.com

Dear Oliver from 'Oliver Twist',

2009-08-12T12:45:00.000-06:00

I was just wondering what on earth would posess you to give michael jackson your sperm so he could grow a baby with debbie rowe? i just thought i'd ask, cause i'm pretty curious.

Grossed out and intruiged,
-Me

P.S. what other famous celebs have you donated your swimmers to?

Dear Teenage Boy,

2009-08-09T23:16:00.000-06:00

Thank you for bowing to me like a knight in shining armor and making a gentlemanly gesture to give me the right away at the four way stop today. Thank you, for making me feel like a lady and making me laugh as i passed you. you are awesome.

hoping to see you again,
-Me

Dear Billy Mays,

2009-08-07T23:38:00.001-06:00

I gave you plenty of attention when i heard of your death, even though everyone was focused on dear MJ. And what is it that i see on the google headlines?

"Billy Mays autopsy reveals cocaine"

so thats why you were always so loud and frazzled on your so-loved infomercials! Kaboom!!! you were waiting for another hit of coke! tisk tisk billy!!!! Now whenever i see you on tv, (rest in peace) i'm going to run up to the tv and carefully inspect your beard for evidence that you really were an avid drug user.

Ashamed of your secret habits but still sorry you passed,
-Me

P.S.
did you at least slip some coke into some Oxy-Clean for the rest of us? or perhaps... Oxycontin?

Dear Mother Nature,

2009-07-23T14:13:00.000-06:00

I like being a lady. I do not like having miserable, thrashing around in my bed, pulling my hair out, gut-wrenching type cramps.

Thanks for making me feel like garbage 12 weeks out of the year.

Your Pal,
-Me

Dear Michael Jackson,

2009-07-23T03:00:00.001-06:00

I'm sorry that you passed so suddenly. But I'm even more sorry that you gained more 'diehard' fans in the past month because well, you died. How tacky! I hate people like that. I hate.. that I am one of them. Sure I liked a few of your songs here and there, but I must admit that after you died, i became like one of those annoying people who show up to the funeral and convince the whole family that we were the very best of friends. (If i had the chance to actually do that, i totally would have made up some sweet story about how we go way back and were kindred spirits from the beginning. Jermaine woulda eaten that crap up, don't you think?)

I ordered a DVD of your 'greatest music video hits'...and mannnn were they weird. The cat turning into a tiger when he passed by the magic garbage can in 'Billie Jean' just blew my mind. The homeless man transforming his whole appearance after you gave him a nickel... GOLDEN! The detective that just lurked around wherever you sang? Creepy. You turning into a panther and doing some risque moves in sequined socks sort of made me wonder if i was on acid.

When Mccauley Culkin showed up in your multicultural video, 'Black or White', i tilted my head to the side and said.. 'hmm.' mostly because he had NOTHING to do with.. anything...but i guess he just had to show up to play his guitar so loud that his dads recliner would end up in Africa? Yeah that must be it. I dont know. Cool dancing aborigines though. (now that i think of it.. aborigines aren't black OR white?) Anyway, Congrats Mr. Jackson, you won the random award for incoporating Mccauley Culkin, a shape-shifting black panther, aborigines, lions, a sumo wrestler, and a morphing Tyra Banks all into ONE video!

I always thought you had the most inappropriate crotch-grabbing dance moves, but admired your skill anyway. I've always tried to learn how to moon walk and am scared i might hyper-extend my knees trying..so i'll leave the mind-boggling dance moves to you. for now Michael, i hope you are moon walking and dancing all over the face of the moon, sporting dazzling sequined moon socks, laughing at all of us trying to figure out how you really died.

Michael, i think you are great. I don't believe youre a child molester, i think you just were really, really strange. I blame your worthless father for screwing you up and making you a little questionable at times. If i had neverland as a home, i'd invite little kids over to play on it all the time too!

Sincerely,
your #1 fan of all time EVER who has been with you from the beginning,
-Me

P.S. And Michael, i thought you looked much better with your first nose and your beautiful dark skin.